The joys and curses of being “mum”

This post is written from the perspective of a mum about being a mum, but flip it over and it could apply to being a dad, so don’t tune out just yet guys. 

I love being Tim’s mum and wouldn’t be doing anything other than this, but we can all feel frustrated and down on ourselves when we can’t be all we want to be for our children.  I know that much of my frustration has to do with the way I was parented.  In my case this pertains primarily to my relationship with my mother, though for dads it could be their fathers.  Working on my unresolved issues with my mother has a direct effect on my ability to parent my son.

Let’s widen the lense a little further.  Everything in my life has an affect on me and my emotional state, so everything in my life has an effect on my ability to be truly present to my parenting role.  Clearly, we can’t control all these externals, so what’s the point of worrying about it you might say?  Well if I didn’t pay any attention to the factors that influence my ability to parent, then nothing would change.  My good intentions would amount to little other than continuing the good and bad patterns of the past.  If nothing changes, then how can I meet any of my goals?  My goals relate to happiness, peace and joy in my life; these are very personal goals.  But in order to achieve my goals, I need to examine my life, my actions, my thoughts and feelings. If I don’t have these things in my life now, then changing nothing will guarantee that things stay the same.

As Socrates says “a life unexamined is a life not worth living.“ 

So let’s start with the simple things:

• What is your diet like?  Are you getting plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables?  Have you been tested for food allergies and intolerances that could be affecting your emotional state?  We are what we eat, and this includes our feelings, thoughts and beliefs?  You wnat quality output? Start looking at the input.  Choose one thing that you would like to change about your diet to help you feel better and make that change TODAY.
• How is your sleep?  Are you able to take a break and rest? If you are not sleeping well have you looked at all the factors that contribute to poor sleep?  Emotional unrest often causes lack of sleep. Perhaps it’s time to book in to see a trusted counsellor and face some of those uncomfortable areas of your life that are seething under the surface.  Perhaps there’s unrest in your relationship and this too needs to be addressed.  Get the help you need to overcome this.  See asking for help as a sign of strength and courage rather than weakness. Seek services that offer respite if you have too little time to rest.
• Are you engaging in some kind of physical activity? It doesn’t have to be a fully charged fitness routine.  You could be doing something you enjoy like walking, bikeriding, gardening etc, as long as you are moving your body and getting yourself outdoors.  Don’t have the time?  Ask for the help you need in order to make the time.  You will feel vastly different as a result.
• Do you take some time in your day to connect to the BIG you?  By this I mean the expansive, spiritual you that is not defined by your physical body and the roles you play in life.  You might do this through meditation or prayer, or spending time in nature, in any manner that works for you and with any philosophy that you choose.  Enjoying a spiritual connection of some kind is vital to who we are and an important ingredient for happiness. 
• Examine your relationship with your own parents.  What are the hurts and wrongs you still harbour?  Write letters to the people in your life that hurt you and DO NOT send these letters.  They are for your personal validation and emotional release only. Do this in a private space and time where you will not be disturbed so that you will be free to feel the emotions that go with this process.  Keep writing as many letters as you need to and allow the emotions trapped deep in your body to be set free.  Then plan something lovely and nurturing to do when you are finished, so that you replace what you have released with a positive feeling. Remember that going to our parents with these old issues can potentially be very damaging to your relationship with them and invalidating for you when they negate what you deeply feel.  We all have our perceptions and each is true for us.  There is usually not much gained by confronting our parents with the past, instead, focus on the state of the relationship now.  Is there anything you feel you would like to do right now to improve the relationship, or perhaps you’re happy with where it is for now.

As you do for yourself you do for your son or daughter.  It is so frustrating to see people bend over backwards for their children, sacrificing their own health and wellbeing.  We think we are doing the right thing, yet often all we are teaching our children is how to get sick. These are habits they learn from us and take into their own life.  To be the best parent you can be – be a great role model for self care, love and health. 

Useful links

To learn how to live well and take care of yourself go to http://www.holisticsolutions.com.au and look at the Live Well program.

To address inner child and family of origin issues look at http://www.holisticsolutions.com.au/workshops.html

For counselling to address your relationships go to http://www.holisticstudies.com.au/therapies.html

Revisiting the Past to Change the Future – Inner Child work

“Feelings don’t go away, they come up again on another day in another way” Alannah Dore

My son asked me recently why we study history.  He just couldn’t see the point of it at all.  He asked his teacher and she replied..”We learn about history so that we can learn from our mistakes”.  I can’t blame him for feeling uninspired by that response.  Who wants to look at their mistakes??

I asked a few people for their opinion as I wasn’t sure how to answer my son on this one. I have my own reservations about the patriarchal backdrop against which many history texts were written and indeed how it is taught nowadays. However, I said to him, that when we revisit the past we can look at what we did well and what we did not so well and look at the results of those choices.  This way we can make better choices in the future.  Looking at history is also about acknowledging what was done to us – and healing these hurts by empathising with our ancestors.  After all we carry their genes, their cellular memory, their unhealed hurts.  What happened to them, happened to us too.

So what about our personal history?  Are we to leave the story of our lives to someone else to write?  How can they possibly tell our story?  They could never know how we perceived people, events, relationships in our lives.  Human beings are so complex.  We have the right to have our version of events validated and heard.  We may need to acknowledge our triumphs and grieve our losses. 

Why would I do that?  Why would I go back into the deep dark, forgotten past and dig up old memories that I no longer think about?

Because like it or not those memories are a part of you.  You can no more deny the events that took place than you can history.  It happened.  Some of it felt good and some of it not so good.  Denial takes us nowhere except ignorance.

Infact the more we suppress or deny, the stronger the hold of that unfelt and unexpressed emotion.  The more confusing our lives become as we find ourselves overreacting to events that trigger that emotion.  Running away from the past is an illusion.  One that keeps us trapped and scared.

Taking the courage to face our past brings new light to life.  It takes the power away from those ghosts and dusts the cobwebs out of our bodies.  The more we know and understand ourselves, the greater our personal power and the higher our awareness.  The more comfortable we are in our own skin and with others – including (eventually) those that created the hurts.

Looking at history is about taking responsibility for ourselves fully as human beings. 

Kevin Rudd (the Australian Prime Minister) finally apologised to the Aboriginal Community for the years of abuse from white men.  We all wept and grieved for their suffering as we listened to those important words.  We all knew that we had to take responsibility – not blame.

To be the change you want to see in your family, life and the world, start with taking personal responsibility for your history.  You will emerge with a strength and freedom that you never thought possible as you begin to know what you thought was unknowable.