The joys and curses of being “mum”

This post is written from the perspective of a mum about being a mum, but flip it over and it could apply to being a dad, so don’t tune out just yet guys. 

I love being Tim’s mum and wouldn’t be doing anything other than this, but we can all feel frustrated and down on ourselves when we can’t be all we want to be for our children.  I know that much of my frustration has to do with the way I was parented.  In my case this pertains primarily to my relationship with my mother, though for dads it could be their fathers.  Working on my unresolved issues with my mother has a direct effect on my ability to parent my son.

Let’s widen the lense a little further.  Everything in my life has an affect on me and my emotional state, so everything in my life has an effect on my ability to be truly present to my parenting role.  Clearly, we can’t control all these externals, so what’s the point of worrying about it you might say?  Well if I didn’t pay any attention to the factors that influence my ability to parent, then nothing would change.  My good intentions would amount to little other than continuing the good and bad patterns of the past.  If nothing changes, then how can I meet any of my goals?  My goals relate to happiness, peace and joy in my life; these are very personal goals.  But in order to achieve my goals, I need to examine my life, my actions, my thoughts and feelings. If I don’t have these things in my life now, then changing nothing will guarantee that things stay the same.

As Socrates says “a life unexamined is a life not worth living.“ 

So let’s start with the simple things:

• What is your diet like?  Are you getting plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables?  Have you been tested for food allergies and intolerances that could be affecting your emotional state?  We are what we eat, and this includes our feelings, thoughts and beliefs?  You wnat quality output? Start looking at the input.  Choose one thing that you would like to change about your diet to help you feel better and make that change TODAY.
• How is your sleep?  Are you able to take a break and rest? If you are not sleeping well have you looked at all the factors that contribute to poor sleep?  Emotional unrest often causes lack of sleep. Perhaps it’s time to book in to see a trusted counsellor and face some of those uncomfortable areas of your life that are seething under the surface.  Perhaps there’s unrest in your relationship and this too needs to be addressed.  Get the help you need to overcome this.  See asking for help as a sign of strength and courage rather than weakness. Seek services that offer respite if you have too little time to rest.
• Are you engaging in some kind of physical activity? It doesn’t have to be a fully charged fitness routine.  You could be doing something you enjoy like walking, bikeriding, gardening etc, as long as you are moving your body and getting yourself outdoors.  Don’t have the time?  Ask for the help you need in order to make the time.  You will feel vastly different as a result.
• Do you take some time in your day to connect to the BIG you?  By this I mean the expansive, spiritual you that is not defined by your physical body and the roles you play in life.  You might do this through meditation or prayer, or spending time in nature, in any manner that works for you and with any philosophy that you choose.  Enjoying a spiritual connection of some kind is vital to who we are and an important ingredient for happiness. 
• Examine your relationship with your own parents.  What are the hurts and wrongs you still harbour?  Write letters to the people in your life that hurt you and DO NOT send these letters.  They are for your personal validation and emotional release only. Do this in a private space and time where you will not be disturbed so that you will be free to feel the emotions that go with this process.  Keep writing as many letters as you need to and allow the emotions trapped deep in your body to be set free.  Then plan something lovely and nurturing to do when you are finished, so that you replace what you have released with a positive feeling. Remember that going to our parents with these old issues can potentially be very damaging to your relationship with them and invalidating for you when they negate what you deeply feel.  We all have our perceptions and each is true for us.  There is usually not much gained by confronting our parents with the past, instead, focus on the state of the relationship now.  Is there anything you feel you would like to do right now to improve the relationship, or perhaps you’re happy with where it is for now.

As you do for yourself you do for your son or daughter.  It is so frustrating to see people bend over backwards for their children, sacrificing their own health and wellbeing.  We think we are doing the right thing, yet often all we are teaching our children is how to get sick. These are habits they learn from us and take into their own life.  To be the best parent you can be – be a great role model for self care, love and health. 

Useful links

To learn how to live well and take care of yourself go to http://www.holisticsolutions.com.au and look at the Live Well program.

To address inner child and family of origin issues look at http://www.holisticsolutions.com.au/workshops.html

For counselling to address your relationships go to http://www.holisticstudies.com.au/therapies.html

Emotional Support for when you are triggered

Any child can be more than testing at times, but these kids can throw you to your wit’s end if you are feeling out of balance and unable to think clearly a lot of the time.  Having a child that is always ready for an argument or stubbornly disobedient or perhaps throwing a tantrum for no visible reason – you can be forgiven for losing it and having a good rant or yell from time to time. 

However these rants and yells affect our children deeply.  Our ability to be present for them – truly present with your whole heart and sensitive to their needs are all factors that make a massive contribution to your child’s potential for success and happiness.  Not only do they have the symptoms of their diagnosis to manage, but then there’s the emotional complications of the parent/child relationship and the inevitable emotional wounds to deal with.
The more in tune with your emotions you are, and the more equipped you are to handle your emotions, the better off your child.

As you manage and move through the feelings, hurts and stories associated with your emotions, you will be less likely to project your negative, neglected emotions onto your child.  We may think that we are clever enough to bury the emotions we find uncomfortable, but in truth they come out in totally uncontrolled ways. 

Some  (of many) dysfunctional ways we cover up emotions are:

• Addictions – alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sex, work, “being busy”
• Saying that we’re not feeling a certain way when all our body language says we are eg. saying you’re not angry yet stomping around the house banging pots or clenching your teeth.
• Offloading our feelings onto a victim that just happens to trigger you at the wrong time eg partner, child, sales assistant, bank, phone company, door to door seller (usually in an uncontrolled, explosive way)
• Withdrawing from social life and family (this may be a sign of depression)

Some of those don’t sound too bad! you might think.  However there are costs to burying your feelings.

1. You can carry a great deal of shame about feelings that you find abhorrent or feel guilty about having, eg a lot of people can feel uncomfortable with stronger emotions such as anger or hate.
2. You are role modelling dysfunctional emotional management to your children.  Monkey see monkey do.  AS children in particular, have to manage strong emotions in their life and find this difficult.  Role modelling and teaching effective and compassionate emotional management may prevent the self harming, extreme withdrawal, depression and suicidal tendencies as they grow older.
3. If you are not communicating effectively with your own emotions then you will not be in a place to recognise and tune into your child’s emotions.  This means that you will be responding to your child from your head not your deeper gut feelings. You will be addressing their needs from an intellectual space that denies their deeper core needs.  If you are not in touch with your own needs, then you can’t possibly be effective in helping anyone else meet more than their basic needs.
4. When your heart is closed to emotions – it is closed to all emotions – not just the sad ones, but the happy ones too.  Whilst you may not want to feel your sadness, grief, anger, hatred, envy and all those seemingly ugly emotions you would rather leave in Pandora’s box, you are also closed to the opposite end of these feelings – the joy, happiness, freedom and peace.  Wouldn’t you like to share these with your child from a positive, authentic space? As you open to the depth of your own potential for these positive feelings, you give your child permission to do the same.

Something that I have found very surprising is that as I work with my emotions and shift them, my son’s life improves.  I can’t honestly explain why that is – it may be a combination of a few things – but this is only a guess:

• The lenses through which I view his life are less fogged by my projections, so I can see, think, act more effectively and pointedly as a mother.
• He is emotionally very sensitive, and I wonder if he picks up on my feelings from time to time.  It is said that we inherit our parent’s unfinished emotional business, so perhaps as I deal with more of it, it takes another burden off him.
• I believe that the emotional work I do has a ripple effect through my whole life.  I have seen it happen many many times.  Working on myself is more effective than trying to change others.  As I work on myself, I change. I grow wiser, more compassionate, more loving, patient and peaceful and as a result my life manifests and reflects the energy I carry inside me.

For avenues for personal growth and emotional management training which is fantastic to teach your children too!

Go to www.holisticsolutions.com.au