Best Communication Ideas – Feelings

There are some basic communication rules to follow that will really instil a sense of trust, understanding and a healthy foundation for an honest relationship with your child.  I will highlight just a one aspect here, though there is a lot more to be said, and there are some excellent books written on this subject.

These skills can take a while to master, but give them a go and you will find that your parent/child relationship will begin to change immediately as your children experience the great validation of having someone really hear and understand them.

The first and most important skills is to validate your child’s feelings.  If they’ve had a rough day, have been bullied, or had a bad experience with their teacher, it can be tempting to want to make them feel better by telling them thigns aren’t that bad or trying to cheer them up too quickly.  Doing so can make the child feel that their feelings are not being appreciated and understood and this can lead to them feeling resentful and even shutting down and no longer sharing their feelings.  We can cheer up later, but first we need to let our kids know that we understand (or are trying to understand how they feel).  So while your child is talking listen out for how you think they might be feeling..and say something like…”That sounds really upsetting..” or “How frustrating for you” or “You must have felt so proud”.  In this way you are showing them that you understand how they feel.

Reflecting back to them how you think they might be feeling does not imply that you necessarily agree with what they have said or done, that is a separate issue and can be addressed later in the conversation.  You are – at this stage- staying neutral about the story and identifying with how they felt or are feeling.  Once the child feels validated, they may spontaneously see the error in their ways, or invite suggestions from you as to how they might deal with a difficult situation, but they will be much more open to your input because they trust that you are being empathic and you are worth trusting.

You may wonder if it’s a good idea to draw the child’s attention to their feelings when they may already be quite emotional and unsettled.  Well in order to process what they are feeling they need to express their feelings so that they can move out the other side and onto a new, more positive feeling. Bottling up their feelings only leads to frustration, and other dysfunctional reactions when a natural process of emotional release is blocked.

Of course there are certain times and places where emotional release is not safe or desirable, such as in the middle of a dinner party or in the classroom.  In these cases, the child needs to be removed from the situation and given time to calm down.  The feeling should be followed up at an appropriate time.  The child should be told when that will be and the adult must follow through with that appointment.

A child that feels emotionally validated has a healthy sense of who they are.  They learn to trust their feelings and are more resilient to negative peer pressure.  They develop a solid sense of self esteem and are more emotionally resilient. They also learn to validate themselves emotionally which leads to greater happiness in adult life, as well as improved relationships.

In a culture that relies heavily on our intellect to explain and most often dismiss feelings, this may seem like a radical and even dangerous idea.  Fearing our feelings is a cultural epidemic that is a major cause of high depression rates in our society.  An individual with sound emotional intelligence has a much better chance of surviving the trials and challenges of life.  An emotionally intelligent person is not necessarily any more or less emotional than anyone else, it is just that they are AWARE of their emotions and they make space and time in their lives to attend to their emotional health, just as they would their Physical or Mental Health.

Role modelling respect and care for feelings breeds a person who will care for themselves and others well.

Values that build strength

Our children receive so many mixed messages from home, school, the media, their peers..it can be very difficult for any child or teenager to know what to take on and what not to take on – especially when their own sense of self has not yet been established. 

I find that Tim is quite resilient to peer group pressure, however he has many, many questions about moral and ethical issues and I constantly find myself checking in with my own values to make sure I’m giving a clear and consistent message.  The more comfortable you are in your own value system, the more sense you child will be able to make of them and the more likely they are to understand their meaning and logic so that they can quickly adopt or reject them.

So what are your values? We might like to think that we can keep our values to ourselves and let our children decide for themselves, but this is next to impossible.  Whether you verbalise it or not your value system will inevitably be absorbed by your children.  So you might like to get clear on your beliefs which create your values.

Here are some points to consider:

As children reach adolescence they will ask questions about sexuality and homosexuality.  What are your views on this subject?  Does the subject of sexuality make you recoil into the other room in extreme discomfort?  If so, your children will respond to this and sense your shame and discomfort.  So you might like to spend some time reading up on the subject, or if you’re not comfortable discussing it, find a readable, age appropriate book that you can give your child to read, and follow up later with any questions they might have. Don’t rely on school to do this for you..children need to know that their parents are there for any questions that arise.  I’m sure you would rather answer them accurately than leave your child to ask their friends for the answers. If you don’t know the answer, then set about doing some research together.

What are your religious or spiritual beliefs? Do you want your child to follow the same beliefs or are you happy to let them discover their own? If so are you supporting this process with reading material and experiential opportunities such as groups, prayers or meditations?

Many children will express social, political and ethical views from a young age. Do you encourage them to think independently or dismiss their opinion because they are “mere children”? Family discussions are fantastic to challenge the intellect and stimulate thinking. If you struggle with this, try the game “TAOC” The Art of Conversation.  It’s a Set of cards that contain discussion questions and topics.  There is a set for adults and a set for children.  These are also excellent to help children build social skills and learn turn taking and conversation structure.  So highly recommended for our kids! Available at www.taoc.com.au or in Australian bookstores.

I have a set of values that I copied from the John Bradshaw book “Homecoming”.  They are brilliant in my opinion.  I have framed them and have them on display in the house.  You might have a set of rules or boundaries for relating to self and others that means a lot to you..or mabe a poem or piece of writing that sums up what you stand for.

I will list these in brief here, not in full, so for the full set go to the John Bradshaw book.

1. It’s okay to feel what you feel. Feelings are not right or wrong they just are.

2.  It’s okay to want what you want. There’s nothing you should or should not want.

3. It’s okay to see and hear what you see and hear.

4.  It’s okay and necessary to have lots of fun and play. (It’s okay to enjoy sexual play)

5. It’s essential to tell the truth at all times.

6. It’s important to know your limits and delay gratification some of the time.

7. It’s crucial to develop a balanced sense of responsibility. Accepting the consequences for what you do, and refusing to accept the consequences for what someone else does.

8. It’s okay to make mistakes. Mistakes are our teachers – they help us learn.

9. Other people’s feelings, needs and wants are to be respected and valued. Violating them leads to guilt and consequences,

10. It’s okay to have problems.  They need to be resolved.  It’s okay to have conflict. It needs to be resolved.
Redefining and accepting your own values can bring great clarity and peace within.

Helping with Sleep

Most children with Asperger’s Syndrome suffer from difficulty getting to sleep.  My son finds he is often wide awake and clear as a bell at 10pm, and ready to talk about his day in detail.  I have found that gentle persuasion and some holistic techniques really help him with getting to sleep.  After all, his body is tired, it’s his brain that is finding it difficult to wind down.  It’s vital not to get angry at your child and think that they are being naughty by staying up late.  It’s well documented that children with AS have difficulty winding down.  Here are some things that have worked for us and may work for you.  As for which one to choose, ask your child which one they would like?

-Gentle Relaxing Massage (clothes on for warmth) for those who enjoy massage.  It’s worth experimenting and developing a technique that your child finds relaxing.

- Guided Meditation. Buy a book or cd, or make up your own.

- Head stroking and soothing words.

- Definitely no video games 2 hours before bed.

- A bath just before bed with soothing essential oils in the bath and soft lighting in the room.

- Foot massage

- Soaking feet in salted hot water (have the water as hot as the child can manage)

- Stretching or yoga

- Conversation that validates the child’s concerns so that they can put their worries behind them.  EG using worry dolls. Make sure the conversation closes on a positive note.  If the child wants to raise contentious issues, state calmly that these might be best handled tomorrow.  Make a commitment to a time when the issue will be discussed and follow through.

- Head massage is particularly soothing and great to relax the mind.

Now you might be thinking..hey! howcome I don’t get this sort of help going to sleep?  If I put all this effort in, they’ll expect it all the time!!  There are two points to make here:

1. Yes you’re right – you deserve this too!!! So why don’t you make sure you get it!! As a carer you need this kind of nurturing more than anyone, so make sure you give it to yourself so you don’t burn out and so you are in a better position to give.

2. These children have their parents as the people who understand them most and empathise with their struggles; the rest of the world and people are foreign and often perceived as very unfriendly.  Be their ally and friend and they will reward you tenfold by really taking flight.  When a child feels well supported, nurtured and loved they can truly live their best potential!!!  They deserve this and so do you!! You don’t have to do his every night…just when you can!