Managing Anger

You might think this article is going to be about managing children’s anger.  Instead as a follow up to my post about teachers unleashing their frustration on children in the classroom, I thought it just to look at parents and their anger, and how both can best go about dealing with the inevitable frustrations in life effectively.

There is a popular notion (even in some anger management classes) that anger is something that should be kept in check at all costs and that be controlling it, it somehow disappears into the ether.  I’m sure that your own experience could tell you this is completely untrue.

Disowned anger finds dysfunctional and dangerous pockets of our life in which to rest and wreak havoc. 

1. It can affect our health by building stress in the body.  One example is that according to Eastern medicine, liver is the seat of anger. So liver dysfunctions can indicate that anger may be present.

2. It can come out in ways that are damaging to yourself and others.  We can lash out or explode at people close to us, or even people who trigger your anger in a way that’s diproportionate to their wrongdoing, eg shop assistant, someone who cuts you off while driving or the innocent doorknocker.

3. Anger can come out in negative behaviour such as gossiping, talk that is negative of others, humour at the expense of others, sarcasm, criticism and defensiveness.

4. Anger can be present when a person is excessively manipulating of others through their behaviour, is depressed, partakes in addictive behaviours or is demanding of others.

These can be signs that anger may be present and needs attention.

So what can you do with your anger? The first thing which the anger management classes teach is to learn how to hold onto it so that it doesn’t hurt others.  Meditation, relaxation, music, deep breathing, counting to 10, walking away, going outside for air are a few examples of the things we can practise doing to help stop ourselves from destroying relationships.

But it doesn’t stop there.  We then need to make a time away from the person who hurt us, or situation that upset us and work on releasing the emotions that are involved.  Anger can mask many other emotions such as; anger, sadness, hurt, betrayal, pain, grief and many more vulnerable emotions.  Here are some things you can do when you are by yourself and will not be disturbed:

1. Stamp your feet, punch pillows, turn up the stereo and scream.

2. Write “emotional release” letters to the person/people/organisation that hurt you and then destroy them. (Do not send these letters, but allow yourself to be completely honest in them – it is up to you to make sure they are destroyed and that no-one reads them. They are for healing purposes only.)

3. Make an appointment with a Holistic Living Counsellor for some anger work.

4. Go for a run or dance; do something very physical that helps transform your energy and emotions.

Then  reward yourself with a treat – a nurturing bath, massage, something fun for your hard work.

Along the way you may find that you become aware of an issue or cause that you feel passionate about.  It might be about setting the right boundaries so that this situation does not happen again, it may be a passion about children’s rights or the environment. 

If this is a burning issue for you then find a way to get “hands on” about the issue, join a group, write a letter to the newspaper, start a support group, enrol in that course you’ve been wanting to do…and start channelling your anger energy into passion.  This is true, passionate living.  Remember the cause may start with YOU and your needs!

Be a true role model for your child/ren.