Explore your options

Recently we visited the paediatrician about a Tourettes type noise that Tim was making.  The noise comes and goes and was particularly present at the time that I consulted the paediatrician.

I made the appointment and in the mean time did a little research on the internet.  I read somewhere that taking fruit juice out of the diet can help.  So prior to the appointment with the paediatrician, I took Tim off his fruit juices, which he loves and drinks at least 2 large glasses a day.

Taking him off the fruit juices had dramatic results. The noise was reduced to only occasional from pretty much being there all the time.  Alongside the dietary change I also gave Tim the opportunity to do some emotional release work, as I had a gut feeling that the stress underlying the tic was emotional. This worked well too. By then, the appointment with the paediatrician came around. The tic hadn’t fully disappeared so I attended the appointment.  I told her of my success with the fruit juice and she dismissed it, saying that diet is only one factor in the treatment.  I asked her what else could be done in that case to help, and the only alternative she gave me was anti-psychotic medication

Well 2 weeks later, no medication, the tic has pretty much disappeared.  I suppose the paediatrician would call that a coincidence, but if I had’ve listened to her advice, my son would now be on medication.

The treatment I gave Tim took 5 minutes to research and 15 minutes of my time sitting with him and using some tools to help him express his feelings.  You can learn these tools in the Holistic Parenting course advertised on this website. So little effort to avoid medicating him, and in the end I learnt something valuable about fruit juice in his diet.

I explained to Tim why I was removing the fruit juice from his diet and he agreed to do it as the tic was really bothering him.

It is definitely worth exploring your natural options BEFORE medicating. DO NOT be daunted by professional opinions and do not hold their opinions in greater esteem that your own gut feeling as a parent.  As always common sense prevails and you must never place your child in any danger by denying them urgent medical treatment, but in cases like this it is worth being creative and listening to yourself.

Managing Anger

You might think this article is going to be about managing children’s anger.  Instead as a follow up to my post about teachers unleashing their frustration on children in the classroom, I thought it just to look at parents and their anger, and how both can best go about dealing with the inevitable frustrations in life effectively.

There is a popular notion (even in some anger management classes) that anger is something that should be kept in check at all costs and that be controlling it, it somehow disappears into the ether.  I’m sure that your own experience could tell you this is completely untrue.

Disowned anger finds dysfunctional and dangerous pockets of our life in which to rest and wreak havoc. 

1. It can affect our health by building stress in the body.  One example is that according to Eastern medicine, liver is the seat of anger. So liver dysfunctions can indicate that anger may be present.

2. It can come out in ways that are damaging to yourself and others.  We can lash out or explode at people close to us, or even people who trigger your anger in a way that’s diproportionate to their wrongdoing, eg shop assistant, someone who cuts you off while driving or the innocent doorknocker.

3. Anger can come out in negative behaviour such as gossiping, talk that is negative of others, humour at the expense of others, sarcasm, criticism and defensiveness.

4. Anger can be present when a person is excessively manipulating of others through their behaviour, is depressed, partakes in addictive behaviours or is demanding of others.

These can be signs that anger may be present and needs attention.

So what can you do with your anger? The first thing which the anger management classes teach is to learn how to hold onto it so that it doesn’t hurt others.  Meditation, relaxation, music, deep breathing, counting to 10, walking away, going outside for air are a few examples of the things we can practise doing to help stop ourselves from destroying relationships.

But it doesn’t stop there.  We then need to make a time away from the person who hurt us, or situation that upset us and work on releasing the emotions that are involved.  Anger can mask many other emotions such as; anger, sadness, hurt, betrayal, pain, grief and many more vulnerable emotions.  Here are some things you can do when you are by yourself and will not be disturbed:

1. Stamp your feet, punch pillows, turn up the stereo and scream.

2. Write “emotional release” letters to the person/people/organisation that hurt you and then destroy them. (Do not send these letters, but allow yourself to be completely honest in them – it is up to you to make sure they are destroyed and that no-one reads them. They are for healing purposes only.)

3. Make an appointment with a Holistic Living Counsellor for some anger work.

4. Go for a run or dance; do something very physical that helps transform your energy and emotions.

Then  reward yourself with a treat – a nurturing bath, massage, something fun for your hard work.

Along the way you may find that you become aware of an issue or cause that you feel passionate about.  It might be about setting the right boundaries so that this situation does not happen again, it may be a passion about children’s rights or the environment. 

If this is a burning issue for you then find a way to get “hands on” about the issue, join a group, write a letter to the newspaper, start a support group, enrol in that course you’ve been wanting to do…and start channelling your anger energy into passion.  This is true, passionate living.  Remember the cause may start with YOU and your needs!

Be a true role model for your child/ren.

Best Communication Ideas – Feelings

There are some basic communication rules to follow that will really instil a sense of trust, understanding and a healthy foundation for an honest relationship with your child.  I will highlight just a one aspect here, though there is a lot more to be said, and there are some excellent books written on this subject.

These skills can take a while to master, but give them a go and you will find that your parent/child relationship will begin to change immediately as your children experience the great validation of having someone really hear and understand them.

The first and most important skills is to validate your child’s feelings.  If they’ve had a rough day, have been bullied, or had a bad experience with their teacher, it can be tempting to want to make them feel better by telling them thigns aren’t that bad or trying to cheer them up too quickly.  Doing so can make the child feel that their feelings are not being appreciated and understood and this can lead to them feeling resentful and even shutting down and no longer sharing their feelings.  We can cheer up later, but first we need to let our kids know that we understand (or are trying to understand how they feel).  So while your child is talking listen out for how you think they might be feeling..and say something like…”That sounds really upsetting..” or “How frustrating for you” or “You must have felt so proud”.  In this way you are showing them that you understand how they feel.

Reflecting back to them how you think they might be feeling does not imply that you necessarily agree with what they have said or done, that is a separate issue and can be addressed later in the conversation.  You are – at this stage- staying neutral about the story and identifying with how they felt or are feeling.  Once the child feels validated, they may spontaneously see the error in their ways, or invite suggestions from you as to how they might deal with a difficult situation, but they will be much more open to your input because they trust that you are being empathic and you are worth trusting.

You may wonder if it’s a good idea to draw the child’s attention to their feelings when they may already be quite emotional and unsettled.  Well in order to process what they are feeling they need to express their feelings so that they can move out the other side and onto a new, more positive feeling. Bottling up their feelings only leads to frustration, and other dysfunctional reactions when a natural process of emotional release is blocked.

Of course there are certain times and places where emotional release is not safe or desirable, such as in the middle of a dinner party or in the classroom.  In these cases, the child needs to be removed from the situation and given time to calm down.  The feeling should be followed up at an appropriate time.  The child should be told when that will be and the adult must follow through with that appointment.

A child that feels emotionally validated has a healthy sense of who they are.  They learn to trust their feelings and are more resilient to negative peer pressure.  They develop a solid sense of self esteem and are more emotionally resilient. They also learn to validate themselves emotionally which leads to greater happiness in adult life, as well as improved relationships.

In a culture that relies heavily on our intellect to explain and most often dismiss feelings, this may seem like a radical and even dangerous idea.  Fearing our feelings is a cultural epidemic that is a major cause of high depression rates in our society.  An individual with sound emotional intelligence has a much better chance of surviving the trials and challenges of life.  An emotionally intelligent person is not necessarily any more or less emotional than anyone else, it is just that they are AWARE of their emotions and they make space and time in their lives to attend to their emotional health, just as they would their Physical or Mental Health.

Role modelling respect and care for feelings breeds a person who will care for themselves and others well.

Values that build strength

Our children receive so many mixed messages from home, school, the media, their peers..it can be very difficult for any child or teenager to know what to take on and what not to take on – especially when their own sense of self has not yet been established. 

I find that Tim is quite resilient to peer group pressure, however he has many, many questions about moral and ethical issues and I constantly find myself checking in with my own values to make sure I’m giving a clear and consistent message.  The more comfortable you are in your own value system, the more sense you child will be able to make of them and the more likely they are to understand their meaning and logic so that they can quickly adopt or reject them.

So what are your values? We might like to think that we can keep our values to ourselves and let our children decide for themselves, but this is next to impossible.  Whether you verbalise it or not your value system will inevitably be absorbed by your children.  So you might like to get clear on your beliefs which create your values.

Here are some points to consider:

As children reach adolescence they will ask questions about sexuality and homosexuality.  What are your views on this subject?  Does the subject of sexuality make you recoil into the other room in extreme discomfort?  If so, your children will respond to this and sense your shame and discomfort.  So you might like to spend some time reading up on the subject, or if you’re not comfortable discussing it, find a readable, age appropriate book that you can give your child to read, and follow up later with any questions they might have. Don’t rely on school to do this for you..children need to know that their parents are there for any questions that arise.  I’m sure you would rather answer them accurately than leave your child to ask their friends for the answers. If you don’t know the answer, then set about doing some research together.

What are your religious or spiritual beliefs? Do you want your child to follow the same beliefs or are you happy to let them discover their own? If so are you supporting this process with reading material and experiential opportunities such as groups, prayers or meditations?

Many children will express social, political and ethical views from a young age. Do you encourage them to think independently or dismiss their opinion because they are “mere children”? Family discussions are fantastic to challenge the intellect and stimulate thinking. If you struggle with this, try the game “TAOC” The Art of Conversation.  It’s a Set of cards that contain discussion questions and topics.  There is a set for adults and a set for children.  These are also excellent to help children build social skills and learn turn taking and conversation structure.  So highly recommended for our kids! Available at www.taoc.com.au or in Australian bookstores.

I have a set of values that I copied from the John Bradshaw book “Homecoming”.  They are brilliant in my opinion.  I have framed them and have them on display in the house.  You might have a set of rules or boundaries for relating to self and others that means a lot to you..or mabe a poem or piece of writing that sums up what you stand for.

I will list these in brief here, not in full, so for the full set go to the John Bradshaw book.

1. It’s okay to feel what you feel. Feelings are not right or wrong they just are.

2.  It’s okay to want what you want. There’s nothing you should or should not want.

3. It’s okay to see and hear what you see and hear.

4.  It’s okay and necessary to have lots of fun and play. (It’s okay to enjoy sexual play)

5. It’s essential to tell the truth at all times.

6. It’s important to know your limits and delay gratification some of the time.

7. It’s crucial to develop a balanced sense of responsibility. Accepting the consequences for what you do, and refusing to accept the consequences for what someone else does.

8. It’s okay to make mistakes. Mistakes are our teachers – they help us learn.

9. Other people’s feelings, needs and wants are to be respected and valued. Violating them leads to guilt and consequences,

10. It’s okay to have problems.  They need to be resolved.  It’s okay to have conflict. It needs to be resolved.
Redefining and accepting your own values can bring great clarity and peace within.

Helping with Sleep

Most children with Asperger’s Syndrome suffer from difficulty getting to sleep.  My son finds he is often wide awake and clear as a bell at 10pm, and ready to talk about his day in detail.  I have found that gentle persuasion and some holistic techniques really help him with getting to sleep.  After all, his body is tired, it’s his brain that is finding it difficult to wind down.  It’s vital not to get angry at your child and think that they are being naughty by staying up late.  It’s well documented that children with AS have difficulty winding down.  Here are some things that have worked for us and may work for you.  As for which one to choose, ask your child which one they would like?

-Gentle Relaxing Massage (clothes on for warmth) for those who enjoy massage.  It’s worth experimenting and developing a technique that your child finds relaxing.

- Guided Meditation. Buy a book or cd, or make up your own.

- Head stroking and soothing words.

- Definitely no video games 2 hours before bed.

- A bath just before bed with soothing essential oils in the bath and soft lighting in the room.

- Foot massage

- Soaking feet in salted hot water (have the water as hot as the child can manage)

- Stretching or yoga

- Conversation that validates the child’s concerns so that they can put their worries behind them.  EG using worry dolls. Make sure the conversation closes on a positive note.  If the child wants to raise contentious issues, state calmly that these might be best handled tomorrow.  Make a commitment to a time when the issue will be discussed and follow through.

- Head massage is particularly soothing and great to relax the mind.

Now you might be thinking..hey! howcome I don’t get this sort of help going to sleep?  If I put all this effort in, they’ll expect it all the time!!  There are two points to make here:

1. Yes you’re right – you deserve this too!!! So why don’t you make sure you get it!! As a carer you need this kind of nurturing more than anyone, so make sure you give it to yourself so you don’t burn out and so you are in a better position to give.

2. These children have their parents as the people who understand them most and empathise with their struggles; the rest of the world and people are foreign and often perceived as very unfriendly.  Be their ally and friend and they will reward you tenfold by really taking flight.  When a child feels well supported, nurtured and loved they can truly live their best potential!!!  They deserve this and so do you!! You don’t have to do his every night…just when you can!

Be discerning with doctors and medical advice.

I am sharing an experience with you that angered me. It not only angered me because my son was mistreated by a Paediatrician, but it really concerns me that many parents may unwittingly take the advice of Government endorsed specialists as gospel, believing that their qualifications guarantee good advice and that this should be followed.

My experience tells me this is not necessarily so.

For the sake of your children, follow your intuition and ask questions.

The Paediatrician was running late for our appointment and so were we.
He seemed flustered and annoyed at the situation as he now had 2 clients waiting to see him.

I was seeing him for a letter I needed for school confirming my son’s original diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome.  This was for his integration aide funding application.

About 2 minutes into the consultation I presented him the most recent school report and other relevant information.

He opened the school report first to a random page and read a couple of lines.
The conversation then went like this.

P “So he has trouble concentrating?”

Me “Yes, though it’s relative to what he’s doing. If he’s interested he has no trouble. We had some auditory processing tests done yesterday and we found that this is also a factor….”

P (interrupts) “Do you want to do something about that?”

Me “What?”

P “The concentration?”

Me “You mean therapy of some kind?”

P “No, I’m talking about him having ADD. A lot of the time it goes hand in hand with Autism. We can give him something to get him to concentrate.”

Me “You mean medication?”

P “Yes, my grandson takes it – works well – not my patient clearly.”

At this stage I was stunned, I couldn’t understand how less than 3  minutes into the conversation he had diagnosed ADD in my son without even talking to him and had suggested medication.

Me “I don’t believe he needs Medication”

P “Right! (changes body language to a closed position).

Me “I’m concerned that giving him medication doesn’t give him the opportunity to address problems and learn to cope with them now, and that it will lead to him being on medication long term as a result of not having developed coping strategies or ways of compensating. Besides, his school results are very good.”

P “Yes they are very good. So does that mean I shouldn’t wear glasses? Because my eyes will get lazy and won’t adjust?

Me “ I don’t think that’s the same thing. We’re talking about my son ingesting a drug into his body, possibly for the rest of his life that he doesn’t need. What about the long term effects?”

P “Have you read any studies about the effects of medication long term? “

Me “ It’s common sense and there’s a lot that we still don’t know.”

P “ Well if you’re going to be irrational and illogical and argue with science then fine! It does help their self confidence!” (He was really annoyed now)

He then sat and stared directly at me waiting for a response. I was still reeling from having been called ‘irrational’ because I was not willing to agree with his opinion on the use of medication for my son. I had not come to him reporting any current problems that concerned me or might possibly require medication and I was only seeing him for a letter I needed for his school aide funding. So how did we end up talking about medication?

He wrapped up the consultation, promised me the letter and I was rushed out.
I looked at the woman sitting in the waiting room, ready to go in. Earlier I had observed that she appeared unsure of her self. She’s mince meat! I thought.

On the drive home I reflected on how many young children that Paediatrician must treat. I shed a tear for all the kids with parents who might unwittingly respect his authority and position and follow his advice without question.

I respect that there is a place for medication in the treatment of children’s problems, especially autism, however if he could make such a quick judgment in my case where I know my son does not have issues that require medication, how many children out there are medicated without need? As a culture we respect (sometimes without question) the authority and seniority of leading specialists. Thousands of children are referred to his clinic every year and continue seeing him regularly. Many desperate parents rely understandably on his advice.

It’s really scary.

We need to ask questions…
and feel angry…..
and act with our intelligent, logical, rational minds
that tell us to get the hell out of there and find someone better. There are good practitioners out there; that take a more holistic approach to children, we just need to use our discerning minds to find them.

A year later, my son is on his first year of high school.  He is enjoying his classes, getting great results, and completing all the set work (including homework).  He even has a great group of friends.  No medication was involved, he is doing this completely naturally using holistic support strategies.

Striking the Right Balance – look in the mirror!

The word balance probably make most of us yawn and roll our eyes, how boring! But you know what? I am constantly amazed at how my son’s needs point to my own needs. The mirror is amazing.  If I do for me what I should do for him – my life becomes more balanced, healthier and I feel calmer and stronger in all ways and things flow better for me.

In fact I no longer bother trying to do for him something that I won’t do for myself, because most of the time, if I’m not doing it for myself (on some level – this is not always literal), the energy and momentum is not strong enough to see it through.  I’ll give you an example: music practise – Tim has an extraordinary talent for music.  He plays piano and guitar, he has perfect pitch and his talent astounds me, I am so envious!! He loves to play, but like all of us, can many times leave his practise by the way side. This frustrates me to no end as I am very passionate about music, being frustrated by my own childhood love of music that was unfortunately never nurtured by my family.  However I do have a guitar in the house, and I love nothing more than sitting for a couple of hours and playing and singing away.  I feel so great afterwards that I allowed myself to do something I love. Well, when Tim sees me play and sing, he loves to sit and watch for a while, then he catches the inspiration and runs off to his room to play his own guitar or piano.  Many times we also play together in our own little duo! It’s so bonding and enjoyable. 

There are so many things that as a mother I need to remind him of on a daily basis, so much so that lists and responsibilities are high on the curriculum this year at home.  I don’t want music to be another one of those.  I don’t want him to create a negative association with spending time on something he also loves.

When I am “walking my talk” and being a good role model by spending time doing what I love, or what supports me – such as playing music, exercising or meditating for example, there is no question that my son follows.  What a fantastic way to teach and lead, rather than the same old nagging, rule creating and dictatorship.

Parenting is not just about “telling” children what’s right; it’s about “being” what’s right..and usually what’s right for you fills a fundamental need for you – in my case it’s self expression, creativity, self esteem and joy.  We can have the belief that such things are childish, indulgent, unecessary, flighty.  Yet spending time on the things we love can be the best anti-depressant around.  And it’s completely natural!  Don’t you want to teach your kids to become emotionally resilient, well rounded people?  Do you wonder why your kids skip from hobby to hobby and lose interest quickly?  Maybe there needs to be more permission created around allowing members of the family to be passionate, free and self supportive.  It all starts with you.  Most of our parenting happens through actions – not words.  The hobbies that stick will be those that you “did” together, not the expensive lessons or imposed practise sessions.

So go back in time and find what you love …and share it with your children, it’s never too late!

Revisiting the Past to Change the Future – Inner Child work

“Feelings don’t go away, they come up again on another day in another way” Alannah Dore

My son asked me recently why we study history.  He just couldn’t see the point of it at all.  He asked his teacher and she replied..”We learn about history so that we can learn from our mistakes”.  I can’t blame him for feeling uninspired by that response.  Who wants to look at their mistakes??

I asked a few people for their opinion as I wasn’t sure how to answer my son on this one. I have my own reservations about the patriarchal backdrop against which many history texts were written and indeed how it is taught nowadays. However, I said to him, that when we revisit the past we can look at what we did well and what we did not so well and look at the results of those choices.  This way we can make better choices in the future.  Looking at history is also about acknowledging what was done to us – and healing these hurts by empathising with our ancestors.  After all we carry their genes, their cellular memory, their unhealed hurts.  What happened to them, happened to us too.

So what about our personal history?  Are we to leave the story of our lives to someone else to write?  How can they possibly tell our story?  They could never know how we perceived people, events, relationships in our lives.  Human beings are so complex.  We have the right to have our version of events validated and heard.  We may need to acknowledge our triumphs and grieve our losses. 

Why would I do that?  Why would I go back into the deep dark, forgotten past and dig up old memories that I no longer think about?

Because like it or not those memories are a part of you.  You can no more deny the events that took place than you can history.  It happened.  Some of it felt good and some of it not so good.  Denial takes us nowhere except ignorance.

Infact the more we suppress or deny, the stronger the hold of that unfelt and unexpressed emotion.  The more confusing our lives become as we find ourselves overreacting to events that trigger that emotion.  Running away from the past is an illusion.  One that keeps us trapped and scared.

Taking the courage to face our past brings new light to life.  It takes the power away from those ghosts and dusts the cobwebs out of our bodies.  The more we know and understand ourselves, the greater our personal power and the higher our awareness.  The more comfortable we are in our own skin and with others – including (eventually) those that created the hurts.

Looking at history is about taking responsibility for ourselves fully as human beings. 

Kevin Rudd (the Australian Prime Minister) finally apologised to the Aboriginal Community for the years of abuse from white men.  We all wept and grieved for their suffering as we listened to those important words.  We all knew that we had to take responsibility – not blame.

To be the change you want to see in your family, life and the world, start with taking personal responsibility for your history.  You will emerge with a strength and freedom that you never thought possible as you begin to know what you thought was unknowable.

Emotional Support for when you are triggered

Any child can be more than testing at times, but these kids can throw you to your wit’s end if you are feeling out of balance and unable to think clearly a lot of the time.  Having a child that is always ready for an argument or stubbornly disobedient or perhaps throwing a tantrum for no visible reason – you can be forgiven for losing it and having a good rant or yell from time to time. 

However these rants and yells affect our children deeply.  Our ability to be present for them – truly present with your whole heart and sensitive to their needs are all factors that make a massive contribution to your child’s potential for success and happiness.  Not only do they have the symptoms of their diagnosis to manage, but then there’s the emotional complications of the parent/child relationship and the inevitable emotional wounds to deal with.
The more in tune with your emotions you are, and the more equipped you are to handle your emotions, the better off your child.

As you manage and move through the feelings, hurts and stories associated with your emotions, you will be less likely to project your negative, neglected emotions onto your child.  We may think that we are clever enough to bury the emotions we find uncomfortable, but in truth they come out in totally uncontrolled ways. 

Some  (of many) dysfunctional ways we cover up emotions are:

• Addictions – alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sex, work, “being busy”
• Saying that we’re not feeling a certain way when all our body language says we are eg. saying you’re not angry yet stomping around the house banging pots or clenching your teeth.
• Offloading our feelings onto a victim that just happens to trigger you at the wrong time eg partner, child, sales assistant, bank, phone company, door to door seller (usually in an uncontrolled, explosive way)
• Withdrawing from social life and family (this may be a sign of depression)

Some of those don’t sound too bad! you might think.  However there are costs to burying your feelings.

1. You can carry a great deal of shame about feelings that you find abhorrent or feel guilty about having, eg a lot of people can feel uncomfortable with stronger emotions such as anger or hate.
2. You are role modelling dysfunctional emotional management to your children.  Monkey see monkey do.  AS children in particular, have to manage strong emotions in their life and find this difficult.  Role modelling and teaching effective and compassionate emotional management may prevent the self harming, extreme withdrawal, depression and suicidal tendencies as they grow older.
3. If you are not communicating effectively with your own emotions then you will not be in a place to recognise and tune into your child’s emotions.  This means that you will be responding to your child from your head not your deeper gut feelings. You will be addressing their needs from an intellectual space that denies their deeper core needs.  If you are not in touch with your own needs, then you can’t possibly be effective in helping anyone else meet more than their basic needs.
4. When your heart is closed to emotions – it is closed to all emotions – not just the sad ones, but the happy ones too.  Whilst you may not want to feel your sadness, grief, anger, hatred, envy and all those seemingly ugly emotions you would rather leave in Pandora’s box, you are also closed to the opposite end of these feelings – the joy, happiness, freedom and peace.  Wouldn’t you like to share these with your child from a positive, authentic space? As you open to the depth of your own potential for these positive feelings, you give your child permission to do the same.

Something that I have found very surprising is that as I work with my emotions and shift them, my son’s life improves.  I can’t honestly explain why that is – it may be a combination of a few things – but this is only a guess:

• The lenses through which I view his life are less fogged by my projections, so I can see, think, act more effectively and pointedly as a mother.
• He is emotionally very sensitive, and I wonder if he picks up on my feelings from time to time.  It is said that we inherit our parent’s unfinished emotional business, so perhaps as I deal with more of it, it takes another burden off him.
• I believe that the emotional work I do has a ripple effect through my whole life.  I have seen it happen many many times.  Working on myself is more effective than trying to change others.  As I work on myself, I change. I grow wiser, more compassionate, more loving, patient and peaceful and as a result my life manifests and reflects the energy I carry inside me.

For avenues for personal growth and emotional management training which is fantastic to teach your children too!

Go to www.holisticsolutions.com.au

The importance of Relaxation

“It is common for individuals with AS to become emotionally vulnerable and easily stressed.  In fact, some argue that persons with AS are under constant or  near-constant stress“. p16 Aspergers Syndrome and Difficult Moments (Brenda Smith Myles and Jack Southwick 2nd ed Autism Asperger Publishing Co. Kansas 2005

As adults in a modern world we tend to take relaxation as a luxury or something we only fully indulge in on holiday.  For these children, relaxation is a survival tool.  Whilst they feel anxious and stressed their otherwise overworked minds can fail them and this can potentially lead to meltdowns, rageful fits and tantrums.

So regular relaxation is essential to return them to their baseline, so that they are refreshed for the next lot of mental and emotional processing required.

Each child is different of course, and it’s best to start experimenting with a variety of methods and then choose what works best. Some things that I have found great are:

• Taking Tim on a drive to the Hot Springs (we have the Peninsula Hot Springs in Rosebud which is about an hour’s drive from where we live).  He LOVES it.  The hot springs contain thermal pools at a variety of temperatures and a cold plunge pool and sauna.  Tim delights in the different temperatures on his skin, and his eyes roll back in his head as he soaks up the soothing minerals.  After a visit to the Hot Springs, the visible effects last 2-3 days. He is happier, more co-operative and more relaxed. I make sure we visit each school holidays.
• When you can’t get to the hot springs consider mineral baths at home.  Tim loves baths in general, and will stay in for hours.  With water restrictions in Melbourne, this is not possible, but he can have a good soak for 30mins to an hour. The problem is he usually forgets to wash because his mind switches off, so I have to make sure I remind him.
• Meditation (see posts related to meditation)
• Energy Balance Massage is a 10 minute massage.  It’s given to the child with clothes on and it is excellent for a quick mood moderator and relaxer, especially before bed.  If Tim is worried about going to school or anxious about something he’s about to go to, an Energy Balance Massage is the FIX IT.  He never says no, The massage itself is very nurturing and soothing, and was develeloped by Chiropractor and Holistic Healer Mark Brown. The complete modality is taught by Alannah Dore. Contact info@holisticsolutions.com.au for training information if you would like to become a fully accredited EBM Practitioner. The 10 min EMB is also learnt as part of the training for the Diploma in Holistic Living Counselling.  Information available at www.holisticsolutions.com.au.  I give Tim this massage on his bed, so you don’t even have to use a massage table, provided that the bed is high enough and you’re not straining your back.
• Listening – I find a great way for Tim to unwind is to let him talk about everything that’s on his mind.  (You’ll be there for a while lol so find a comfy chair). Use the listening skills that are described in the Communication Skills section of this blog and really listen to what is bothering your child.  You’ll find this can be a great way to allow them to offload, wipe the slate clean and refresh.
• Video games and computers.  Many psychologists argue that these kinds of pastimes allow AS kids to relax due to the predictability and uniformity of outcomes when working with a machine.  To an extent I definitely see their point and hence the strong attraction for these kids.  However I have found there is a strong danger of addiction and dependence which can lead to social withdrawal.  Also of concern, is the nature of games played..are they violent? dark in content and themes? are they appropriate for your child’s age group?  What is your child looking at on the internet?  Time to indulge in these hobbies is essential however strong parental control and guidance is highly recommended.  I know on occasions when Tim has been playing video games for 2 hours he becomes extremely irritable and frustrated, yet hungers for more – his mood and demeanour are definitely changed for the worse.  So time limits and close supervision are warranted.

Ensuring that your child engages in some kind of relaxing activity each day will bring great benefits.  Perhaps you could join them and get some much needed relaxation yourself!