Managing Anger

You might think this article is going to be about managing children’s anger.  Instead as a follow up to my post about teachers unleashing their frustration on children in the classroom, I thought it just to look at parents and their anger, and how both can best go about dealing with the inevitable frustrations in life effectively.

There is a popular notion (even in some anger management classes) that anger is something that should be kept in check at all costs and that be controlling it, it somehow disappears into the ether.  I’m sure that your own experience could tell you this is completely untrue.

Disowned anger finds dysfunctional and dangerous pockets of our life in which to rest and wreak havoc. 

1. It can affect our health by building stress in the body.  One example is that according to Eastern medicine, liver is the seat of anger. So liver dysfunctions can indicate that anger may be present.

2. It can come out in ways that are damaging to yourself and others.  We can lash out or explode at people close to us, or even people who trigger your anger in a way that’s diproportionate to their wrongdoing, eg shop assistant, someone who cuts you off while driving or the innocent doorknocker.

3. Anger can come out in negative behaviour such as gossiping, talk that is negative of others, humour at the expense of others, sarcasm, criticism and defensiveness.

4. Anger can be present when a person is excessively manipulating of others through their behaviour, is depressed, partakes in addictive behaviours or is demanding of others.

These can be signs that anger may be present and needs attention.

So what can you do with your anger? The first thing which the anger management classes teach is to learn how to hold onto it so that it doesn’t hurt others.  Meditation, relaxation, music, deep breathing, counting to 10, walking away, going outside for air are a few examples of the things we can practise doing to help stop ourselves from destroying relationships.

But it doesn’t stop there.  We then need to make a time away from the person who hurt us, or situation that upset us and work on releasing the emotions that are involved.  Anger can mask many other emotions such as; anger, sadness, hurt, betrayal, pain, grief and many more vulnerable emotions.  Here are some things you can do when you are by yourself and will not be disturbed:

1. Stamp your feet, punch pillows, turn up the stereo and scream.

2. Write “emotional release” letters to the person/people/organisation that hurt you and then destroy them. (Do not send these letters, but allow yourself to be completely honest in them – it is up to you to make sure they are destroyed and that no-one reads them. They are for healing purposes only.)

3. Make an appointment with a Holistic Living Counsellor for some anger work.

4. Go for a run or dance; do something very physical that helps transform your energy and emotions.

Then  reward yourself with a treat – a nurturing bath, massage, something fun for your hard work.

Along the way you may find that you become aware of an issue or cause that you feel passionate about.  It might be about setting the right boundaries so that this situation does not happen again, it may be a passion about children’s rights or the environment. 

If this is a burning issue for you then find a way to get “hands on” about the issue, join a group, write a letter to the newspaper, start a support group, enrol in that course you’ve been wanting to do…and start channelling your anger energy into passion.  This is true, passionate living.  Remember the cause may start with YOU and your needs!

Be a true role model for your child/ren.

Meditation and Children

I have found Guided Meditation to be excellent for my son who has Aspergers Syndrome.  He is now 12, but we have been using varied forms of meditation since he was 6. 

The best way to conduct meditations with him I found was to do the meditations with him.  From time to time he would want to ask questions, or get clarification if he didn’t understand the instructions and it’s great to be on hand to answer questions so that he didn’t get distracted for too long.

What I found with my son was that he connected to the Guided Meditation Imagery instantly and could even do so without closing his eyes.  In fact in the early stages he preferred to do the meditations with eyes open.  I found that as he got older, he became more comfortable with his eyes closed.

Guided Meditation cd’s are readily available for children. I would suggest nothing too new age, something tangible and a narrative that engages their interest. A cd is available from Holistic Solutions Life Education by mail order.

Another option is for the parent/s to do some training in guiding meditations. I am a guided meditation teacher and I found this training invaluable as it meant that

1.  I did not have to rely on keeping a large stock of guided meditation cd’s.

2.  I could create meditations that suited what he needed at any particular point in time – so the meditation was personalised and relevant.

3.  I could create meditations that included his favourite characters eg. dinosaurs, bears, spaceships etc. so that it was easy to keep him engaged and attentive.

4.  You can then create a relaxing and bonding experience for both of you to enjoy.

The Australian Centre for Holistic Studies offers a Certificate course in Guided Meditation teaching.

Guided Meditations are excellent for helping children settle before bed.  Particularly for these children who have such busy minds and often find it difficult to relax and settle.

Guided Meditations stimulate the child’s creativity, intuition and imagination – encouraging possibility thinking and creative problem solving rather than pessimism and negativity.

I also found it important to discuss the benefits of meditation with my son and to create sound motivation in him to want to participate.   The main reasons I shared with him were:

1. To help you think clearly in difficult situations

2. To help you get to sleep by relaxing your mind.

3. To give you the experience of calmness so that you can bring this calmness into other parts of your life.

4. To help you become less reactive to things people say, particularly at school.

5. To help you keep your peace in lots of situations.

6. To feel better about life.

After your child becomes more experienced at meditation, you could ask them to create meditations with you, and take it in turns at guiding the journey.  You’ll be amazed what they come up with.

Guided Meditation is really effective at creating an engaging experience for children.  It is the imagery and experience that creates the relaxation response in children.  Eventually, they will no longer need the imagery and can go straight into the relaxation response.