Best Communication Ideas – Feelings

There are some basic communication rules to follow that will really instil a sense of trust, understanding and a healthy foundation for an honest relationship with your child.  I will highlight just a one aspect here, though there is a lot more to be said, and there are some excellent books written on this subject.

These skills can take a while to master, but give them a go and you will find that your parent/child relationship will begin to change immediately as your children experience the great validation of having someone really hear and understand them.

The first and most important skills is to validate your child’s feelings.  If they’ve had a rough day, have been bullied, or had a bad experience with their teacher, it can be tempting to want to make them feel better by telling them thigns aren’t that bad or trying to cheer them up too quickly.  Doing so can make the child feel that their feelings are not being appreciated and understood and this can lead to them feeling resentful and even shutting down and no longer sharing their feelings.  We can cheer up later, but first we need to let our kids know that we understand (or are trying to understand how they feel).  So while your child is talking listen out for how you think they might be feeling..and say something like…”That sounds really upsetting..” or “How frustrating for you” or “You must have felt so proud”.  In this way you are showing them that you understand how they feel.

Reflecting back to them how you think they might be feeling does not imply that you necessarily agree with what they have said or done, that is a separate issue and can be addressed later in the conversation.  You are – at this stage- staying neutral about the story and identifying with how they felt or are feeling.  Once the child feels validated, they may spontaneously see the error in their ways, or invite suggestions from you as to how they might deal with a difficult situation, but they will be much more open to your input because they trust that you are being empathic and you are worth trusting.

You may wonder if it’s a good idea to draw the child’s attention to their feelings when they may already be quite emotional and unsettled.  Well in order to process what they are feeling they need to express their feelings so that they can move out the other side and onto a new, more positive feeling. Bottling up their feelings only leads to frustration, and other dysfunctional reactions when a natural process of emotional release is blocked.

Of course there are certain times and places where emotional release is not safe or desirable, such as in the middle of a dinner party or in the classroom.  In these cases, the child needs to be removed from the situation and given time to calm down.  The feeling should be followed up at an appropriate time.  The child should be told when that will be and the adult must follow through with that appointment.

A child that feels emotionally validated has a healthy sense of who they are.  They learn to trust their feelings and are more resilient to negative peer pressure.  They develop a solid sense of self esteem and are more emotionally resilient. They also learn to validate themselves emotionally which leads to greater happiness in adult life, as well as improved relationships.

In a culture that relies heavily on our intellect to explain and most often dismiss feelings, this may seem like a radical and even dangerous idea.  Fearing our feelings is a cultural epidemic that is a major cause of high depression rates in our society.  An individual with sound emotional intelligence has a much better chance of surviving the trials and challenges of life.  An emotionally intelligent person is not necessarily any more or less emotional than anyone else, it is just that they are AWARE of their emotions and they make space and time in their lives to attend to their emotional health, just as they would their Physical or Mental Health.

Role modelling respect and care for feelings breeds a person who will care for themselves and others well.

The importance of Relaxation

“It is common for individuals with AS to become emotionally vulnerable and easily stressed.  In fact, some argue that persons with AS are under constant or  near-constant stress“. p16 Aspergers Syndrome and Difficult Moments (Brenda Smith Myles and Jack Southwick 2nd ed Autism Asperger Publishing Co. Kansas 2005

As adults in a modern world we tend to take relaxation as a luxury or something we only fully indulge in on holiday.  For these children, relaxation is a survival tool.  Whilst they feel anxious and stressed their otherwise overworked minds can fail them and this can potentially lead to meltdowns, rageful fits and tantrums.

So regular relaxation is essential to return them to their baseline, so that they are refreshed for the next lot of mental and emotional processing required.

Each child is different of course, and it’s best to start experimenting with a variety of methods and then choose what works best. Some things that I have found great are:

• Taking Tim on a drive to the Hot Springs (we have the Peninsula Hot Springs in Rosebud which is about an hour’s drive from where we live).  He LOVES it.  The hot springs contain thermal pools at a variety of temperatures and a cold plunge pool and sauna.  Tim delights in the different temperatures on his skin, and his eyes roll back in his head as he soaks up the soothing minerals.  After a visit to the Hot Springs, the visible effects last 2-3 days. He is happier, more co-operative and more relaxed. I make sure we visit each school holidays.
• When you can’t get to the hot springs consider mineral baths at home.  Tim loves baths in general, and will stay in for hours.  With water restrictions in Melbourne, this is not possible, but he can have a good soak for 30mins to an hour. The problem is he usually forgets to wash because his mind switches off, so I have to make sure I remind him.
• Meditation (see posts related to meditation)
• Energy Balance Massage is a 10 minute massage.  It’s given to the child with clothes on and it is excellent for a quick mood moderator and relaxer, especially before bed.  If Tim is worried about going to school or anxious about something he’s about to go to, an Energy Balance Massage is the FIX IT.  He never says no, The massage itself is very nurturing and soothing, and was develeloped by Chiropractor and Holistic Healer Mark Brown. The complete modality is taught by Alannah Dore. Contact info@holisticsolutions.com.au for training information if you would like to become a fully accredited EBM Practitioner. The 10 min EMB is also learnt as part of the training for the Diploma in Holistic Living Counselling.  Information available at www.holisticsolutions.com.au.  I give Tim this massage on his bed, so you don’t even have to use a massage table, provided that the bed is high enough and you’re not straining your back.
• Listening – I find a great way for Tim to unwind is to let him talk about everything that’s on his mind.  (You’ll be there for a while lol so find a comfy chair). Use the listening skills that are described in the Communication Skills section of this blog and really listen to what is bothering your child.  You’ll find this can be a great way to allow them to offload, wipe the slate clean and refresh.
• Video games and computers.  Many psychologists argue that these kinds of pastimes allow AS kids to relax due to the predictability and uniformity of outcomes when working with a machine.  To an extent I definitely see their point and hence the strong attraction for these kids.  However I have found there is a strong danger of addiction and dependence which can lead to social withdrawal.  Also of concern, is the nature of games played..are they violent? dark in content and themes? are they appropriate for your child’s age group?  What is your child looking at on the internet?  Time to indulge in these hobbies is essential however strong parental control and guidance is highly recommended.  I know on occasions when Tim has been playing video games for 2 hours he becomes extremely irritable and frustrated, yet hungers for more – his mood and demeanour are definitely changed for the worse.  So time limits and close supervision are warranted.

Ensuring that your child engages in some kind of relaxing activity each day will bring great benefits.  Perhaps you could join them and get some much needed relaxation yourself!