Monkey see, Monkey Do

I am always trying to encourage my family towards healthy eating, exercise and a balance of rest and play. 

I know for a fact that when I am eating well, exercising and resting adequately, I think more clearly, my mood improves and everything in outer life reflects how good I feel on the inside.

I want that for my son.  I want to at the very least instil natural eating habits that will support him, so that he doesn’t turn to alcohol, smoking or drugs as a mood stabilizer. (Of course we all know that there are many other factors that lead to this – but developing a healthy, respectful relationship with your body at an early age is a great aspect of prevention.)

I have had some success so far.  I can control what goes in the lunchbox and what we eat for dinner (despite some protests from time to time), but that’s really where it ends. (or so I thought..)  All the nagging and lecturing about the benefits of a healthy life just fall on deaf ears most of the time.

Recently, without any deliberate intention, I switched the focus off the family and onto myself. I drank a couple of glasses of wine a few nights in a row over the weekend (I purchased a delicious wine and savoured the bottle immensely!) HOWEVER I payed the price.  Every morning after feeling sluggish, slow and grumpy.  I gave myself the proverbial kick up the backside and took a look at why, where and how this habit was taking shape.

Apart from the obvious of restricting my alcohol intake, I decided after some self examination that it was time to let go of meat.  I have made a few attempts in the past, but the timing hasn’t been right and I didn’t do it properly.  Properly to me feels like:

-with the support of a naturopath

-with a good repertoire of healthy and tasty vegetarian meals already under my belt (to make the transition smoother)

-with strong knowledge about the correct food combinations required

-at a time when I feel really determined and strong (this is now!)

So I decided to do it, and didn’t tell anyone.  I just ommitted meat from the meals and no-one noticed too much.  (I have decided to keep eating fish for now- again to make the transition easier and I will keep offering meat to the family despite the fact that it won’t be in my meal). I started juicing again in the morning and went back to my daily morning walks with the dog.  I added a few very healthy items to the pantry (more fruit and vegetables and wholegrain bread) and off I went.

Well that same afternoon, Tim came home from school saying that he really wanted to be healthier and took himself off for a bike ride. Instead of asking for chocolate, he chose to eat a piece of fruit after school.  My partner saw two loaves of bread in the pantry and reached for the wholegrain instead of the white. (UNHEARD OF!!) As I was preparing Tim’s lunch this morning he came and checked that I was putting enough fruit in his lunch.

What is going on?  I haven’t even told them yet!!

Is this role modelling of a new kind?

It really should come as no shock – monkey see, monkey do.  If you think buying healthy food is too expensive, too much work or that you’re not worth the effort – think again!  Everything you do for yourself you are doing for your family – even if it is indirectly!

Even if your family criticise and jibe you – it will only be a matter of time before they see you looking great, happy and healthy and want some of what you’re having.  Look after yourself and you will be doing everyone around you a huge favour.  Whether or not they follow your lead directly, they will reap the benefits in your improved mood, improved communication and clarity.

Begin today!  Stop lecturing and start doing!

(PS I’m not trying to promote vegetarianism here at all, just giving an example from my own life – take the level of improvement that is relevant for you – it might be as simple as eating more fruit or getting more sleep! Do some research and gather some ideas to try.)

Values that build strength

Our children receive so many mixed messages from home, school, the media, their peers..it can be very difficult for any child or teenager to know what to take on and what not to take on – especially when their own sense of self has not yet been established. 

I find that Tim is quite resilient to peer group pressure, however he has many, many questions about moral and ethical issues and I constantly find myself checking in with my own values to make sure I’m giving a clear and consistent message.  The more comfortable you are in your own value system, the more sense you child will be able to make of them and the more likely they are to understand their meaning and logic so that they can quickly adopt or reject them.

So what are your values? We might like to think that we can keep our values to ourselves and let our children decide for themselves, but this is next to impossible.  Whether you verbalise it or not your value system will inevitably be absorbed by your children.  So you might like to get clear on your beliefs which create your values.

Here are some points to consider:

As children reach adolescence they will ask questions about sexuality and homosexuality.  What are your views on this subject?  Does the subject of sexuality make you recoil into the other room in extreme discomfort?  If so, your children will respond to this and sense your shame and discomfort.  So you might like to spend some time reading up on the subject, or if you’re not comfortable discussing it, find a readable, age appropriate book that you can give your child to read, and follow up later with any questions they might have. Don’t rely on school to do this for you..children need to know that their parents are there for any questions that arise.  I’m sure you would rather answer them accurately than leave your child to ask their friends for the answers. If you don’t know the answer, then set about doing some research together.

What are your religious or spiritual beliefs? Do you want your child to follow the same beliefs or are you happy to let them discover their own? If so are you supporting this process with reading material and experiential opportunities such as groups, prayers or meditations?

Many children will express social, political and ethical views from a young age. Do you encourage them to think independently or dismiss their opinion because they are “mere children”? Family discussions are fantastic to challenge the intellect and stimulate thinking. If you struggle with this, try the game “TAOC” The Art of Conversation.  It’s a Set of cards that contain discussion questions and topics.  There is a set for adults and a set for children.  These are also excellent to help children build social skills and learn turn taking and conversation structure.  So highly recommended for our kids! Available at www.taoc.com.au or in Australian bookstores.

I have a set of values that I copied from the John Bradshaw book “Homecoming”.  They are brilliant in my opinion.  I have framed them and have them on display in the house.  You might have a set of rules or boundaries for relating to self and others that means a lot to you..or mabe a poem or piece of writing that sums up what you stand for.

I will list these in brief here, not in full, so for the full set go to the John Bradshaw book.

1. It’s okay to feel what you feel. Feelings are not right or wrong they just are.

2.  It’s okay to want what you want. There’s nothing you should or should not want.

3. It’s okay to see and hear what you see and hear.

4.  It’s okay and necessary to have lots of fun and play. (It’s okay to enjoy sexual play)

5. It’s essential to tell the truth at all times.

6. It’s important to know your limits and delay gratification some of the time.

7. It’s crucial to develop a balanced sense of responsibility. Accepting the consequences for what you do, and refusing to accept the consequences for what someone else does.

8. It’s okay to make mistakes. Mistakes are our teachers – they help us learn.

9. Other people’s feelings, needs and wants are to be respected and valued. Violating them leads to guilt and consequences,

10. It’s okay to have problems.  They need to be resolved.  It’s okay to have conflict. It needs to be resolved.
Redefining and accepting your own values can bring great clarity and peace within.

Helping with Sleep

Most children with Asperger’s Syndrome suffer from difficulty getting to sleep.  My son finds he is often wide awake and clear as a bell at 10pm, and ready to talk about his day in detail.  I have found that gentle persuasion and some holistic techniques really help him with getting to sleep.  After all, his body is tired, it’s his brain that is finding it difficult to wind down.  It’s vital not to get angry at your child and think that they are being naughty by staying up late.  It’s well documented that children with AS have difficulty winding down.  Here are some things that have worked for us and may work for you.  As for which one to choose, ask your child which one they would like?

-Gentle Relaxing Massage (clothes on for warmth) for those who enjoy massage.  It’s worth experimenting and developing a technique that your child finds relaxing.

- Guided Meditation. Buy a book or cd, or make up your own.

- Head stroking and soothing words.

- Definitely no video games 2 hours before bed.

- A bath just before bed with soothing essential oils in the bath and soft lighting in the room.

- Foot massage

- Soaking feet in salted hot water (have the water as hot as the child can manage)

- Stretching or yoga

- Conversation that validates the child’s concerns so that they can put their worries behind them.  EG using worry dolls. Make sure the conversation closes on a positive note.  If the child wants to raise contentious issues, state calmly that these might be best handled tomorrow.  Make a commitment to a time when the issue will be discussed and follow through.

- Head massage is particularly soothing and great to relax the mind.

Now you might be thinking..hey! howcome I don’t get this sort of help going to sleep?  If I put all this effort in, they’ll expect it all the time!!  There are two points to make here:

1. Yes you’re right – you deserve this too!!! So why don’t you make sure you get it!! As a carer you need this kind of nurturing more than anyone, so make sure you give it to yourself so you don’t burn out and so you are in a better position to give.

2. These children have their parents as the people who understand them most and empathise with their struggles; the rest of the world and people are foreign and often perceived as very unfriendly.  Be their ally and friend and they will reward you tenfold by really taking flight.  When a child feels well supported, nurtured and loved they can truly live their best potential!!!  They deserve this and so do you!! You don’t have to do his every night…just when you can!

Striking the Right Balance – look in the mirror!

The word balance probably make most of us yawn and roll our eyes, how boring! But you know what? I am constantly amazed at how my son’s needs point to my own needs. The mirror is amazing.  If I do for me what I should do for him – my life becomes more balanced, healthier and I feel calmer and stronger in all ways and things flow better for me.

In fact I no longer bother trying to do for him something that I won’t do for myself, because most of the time, if I’m not doing it for myself (on some level – this is not always literal), the energy and momentum is not strong enough to see it through.  I’ll give you an example: music practise – Tim has an extraordinary talent for music.  He plays piano and guitar, he has perfect pitch and his talent astounds me, I am so envious!! He loves to play, but like all of us, can many times leave his practise by the way side. This frustrates me to no end as I am very passionate about music, being frustrated by my own childhood love of music that was unfortunately never nurtured by my family.  However I do have a guitar in the house, and I love nothing more than sitting for a couple of hours and playing and singing away.  I feel so great afterwards that I allowed myself to do something I love. Well, when Tim sees me play and sing, he loves to sit and watch for a while, then he catches the inspiration and runs off to his room to play his own guitar or piano.  Many times we also play together in our own little duo! It’s so bonding and enjoyable. 

There are so many things that as a mother I need to remind him of on a daily basis, so much so that lists and responsibilities are high on the curriculum this year at home.  I don’t want music to be another one of those.  I don’t want him to create a negative association with spending time on something he also loves.

When I am “walking my talk” and being a good role model by spending time doing what I love, or what supports me – such as playing music, exercising or meditating for example, there is no question that my son follows.  What a fantastic way to teach and lead, rather than the same old nagging, rule creating and dictatorship.

Parenting is not just about “telling” children what’s right; it’s about “being” what’s right..and usually what’s right for you fills a fundamental need for you – in my case it’s self expression, creativity, self esteem and joy.  We can have the belief that such things are childish, indulgent, unecessary, flighty.  Yet spending time on the things we love can be the best anti-depressant around.  And it’s completely natural!  Don’t you want to teach your kids to become emotionally resilient, well rounded people?  Do you wonder why your kids skip from hobby to hobby and lose interest quickly?  Maybe there needs to be more permission created around allowing members of the family to be passionate, free and self supportive.  It all starts with you.  Most of our parenting happens through actions – not words.  The hobbies that stick will be those that you “did” together, not the expensive lessons or imposed practise sessions.

So go back in time and find what you love …and share it with your children, it’s never too late!