Managing Anger

You might think this article is going to be about managing children’s anger.  Instead as a follow up to my post about teachers unleashing their frustration on children in the classroom, I thought it just to look at parents and their anger, and how both can best go about dealing with the inevitable frustrations in life effectively.

There is a popular notion (even in some anger management classes) that anger is something that should be kept in check at all costs and that be controlling it, it somehow disappears into the ether.  I’m sure that your own experience could tell you this is completely untrue.

Disowned anger finds dysfunctional and dangerous pockets of our life in which to rest and wreak havoc. 

1. It can affect our health by building stress in the body.  One example is that according to Eastern medicine, liver is the seat of anger. So liver dysfunctions can indicate that anger may be present.

2. It can come out in ways that are damaging to yourself and others.  We can lash out or explode at people close to us, or even people who trigger your anger in a way that’s diproportionate to their wrongdoing, eg shop assistant, someone who cuts you off while driving or the innocent doorknocker.

3. Anger can come out in negative behaviour such as gossiping, talk that is negative of others, humour at the expense of others, sarcasm, criticism and defensiveness.

4. Anger can be present when a person is excessively manipulating of others through their behaviour, is depressed, partakes in addictive behaviours or is demanding of others.

These can be signs that anger may be present and needs attention.

So what can you do with your anger? The first thing which the anger management classes teach is to learn how to hold onto it so that it doesn’t hurt others.  Meditation, relaxation, music, deep breathing, counting to 10, walking away, going outside for air are a few examples of the things we can practise doing to help stop ourselves from destroying relationships.

But it doesn’t stop there.  We then need to make a time away from the person who hurt us, or situation that upset us and work on releasing the emotions that are involved.  Anger can mask many other emotions such as; anger, sadness, hurt, betrayal, pain, grief and many more vulnerable emotions.  Here are some things you can do when you are by yourself and will not be disturbed:

1. Stamp your feet, punch pillows, turn up the stereo and scream.

2. Write “emotional release” letters to the person/people/organisation that hurt you and then destroy them. (Do not send these letters, but allow yourself to be completely honest in them – it is up to you to make sure they are destroyed and that no-one reads them. They are for healing purposes only.)

3. Make an appointment with a Holistic Living Counsellor for some anger work.

4. Go for a run or dance; do something very physical that helps transform your energy and emotions.

Then  reward yourself with a treat – a nurturing bath, massage, something fun for your hard work.

Along the way you may find that you become aware of an issue or cause that you feel passionate about.  It might be about setting the right boundaries so that this situation does not happen again, it may be a passion about children’s rights or the environment. 

If this is a burning issue for you then find a way to get “hands on” about the issue, join a group, write a letter to the newspaper, start a support group, enrol in that course you’ve been wanting to do…and start channelling your anger energy into passion.  This is true, passionate living.  Remember the cause may start with YOU and your needs!

Be a true role model for your child/ren.

Best Communication Ideas – Feelings

There are some basic communication rules to follow that will really instil a sense of trust, understanding and a healthy foundation for an honest relationship with your child.  I will highlight just a one aspect here, though there is a lot more to be said, and there are some excellent books written on this subject.

These skills can take a while to master, but give them a go and you will find that your parent/child relationship will begin to change immediately as your children experience the great validation of having someone really hear and understand them.

The first and most important skills is to validate your child’s feelings.  If they’ve had a rough day, have been bullied, or had a bad experience with their teacher, it can be tempting to want to make them feel better by telling them thigns aren’t that bad or trying to cheer them up too quickly.  Doing so can make the child feel that their feelings are not being appreciated and understood and this can lead to them feeling resentful and even shutting down and no longer sharing their feelings.  We can cheer up later, but first we need to let our kids know that we understand (or are trying to understand how they feel).  So while your child is talking listen out for how you think they might be feeling..and say something like…”That sounds really upsetting..” or “How frustrating for you” or “You must have felt so proud”.  In this way you are showing them that you understand how they feel.

Reflecting back to them how you think they might be feeling does not imply that you necessarily agree with what they have said or done, that is a separate issue and can be addressed later in the conversation.  You are – at this stage- staying neutral about the story and identifying with how they felt or are feeling.  Once the child feels validated, they may spontaneously see the error in their ways, or invite suggestions from you as to how they might deal with a difficult situation, but they will be much more open to your input because they trust that you are being empathic and you are worth trusting.

You may wonder if it’s a good idea to draw the child’s attention to their feelings when they may already be quite emotional and unsettled.  Well in order to process what they are feeling they need to express their feelings so that they can move out the other side and onto a new, more positive feeling. Bottling up their feelings only leads to frustration, and other dysfunctional reactions when a natural process of emotional release is blocked.

Of course there are certain times and places where emotional release is not safe or desirable, such as in the middle of a dinner party or in the classroom.  In these cases, the child needs to be removed from the situation and given time to calm down.  The feeling should be followed up at an appropriate time.  The child should be told when that will be and the adult must follow through with that appointment.

A child that feels emotionally validated has a healthy sense of who they are.  They learn to trust their feelings and are more resilient to negative peer pressure.  They develop a solid sense of self esteem and are more emotionally resilient. They also learn to validate themselves emotionally which leads to greater happiness in adult life, as well as improved relationships.

In a culture that relies heavily on our intellect to explain and most often dismiss feelings, this may seem like a radical and even dangerous idea.  Fearing our feelings is a cultural epidemic that is a major cause of high depression rates in our society.  An individual with sound emotional intelligence has a much better chance of surviving the trials and challenges of life.  An emotionally intelligent person is not necessarily any more or less emotional than anyone else, it is just that they are AWARE of their emotions and they make space and time in their lives to attend to their emotional health, just as they would their Physical or Mental Health.

Role modelling respect and care for feelings breeds a person who will care for themselves and others well.

Revisiting the Past to Change the Future – Inner Child work

“Feelings don’t go away, they come up again on another day in another way” Alannah Dore

My son asked me recently why we study history.  He just couldn’t see the point of it at all.  He asked his teacher and she replied..”We learn about history so that we can learn from our mistakes”.  I can’t blame him for feeling uninspired by that response.  Who wants to look at their mistakes??

I asked a few people for their opinion as I wasn’t sure how to answer my son on this one. I have my own reservations about the patriarchal backdrop against which many history texts were written and indeed how it is taught nowadays. However, I said to him, that when we revisit the past we can look at what we did well and what we did not so well and look at the results of those choices.  This way we can make better choices in the future.  Looking at history is also about acknowledging what was done to us – and healing these hurts by empathising with our ancestors.  After all we carry their genes, their cellular memory, their unhealed hurts.  What happened to them, happened to us too.

So what about our personal history?  Are we to leave the story of our lives to someone else to write?  How can they possibly tell our story?  They could never know how we perceived people, events, relationships in our lives.  Human beings are so complex.  We have the right to have our version of events validated and heard.  We may need to acknowledge our triumphs and grieve our losses. 

Why would I do that?  Why would I go back into the deep dark, forgotten past and dig up old memories that I no longer think about?

Because like it or not those memories are a part of you.  You can no more deny the events that took place than you can history.  It happened.  Some of it felt good and some of it not so good.  Denial takes us nowhere except ignorance.

Infact the more we suppress or deny, the stronger the hold of that unfelt and unexpressed emotion.  The more confusing our lives become as we find ourselves overreacting to events that trigger that emotion.  Running away from the past is an illusion.  One that keeps us trapped and scared.

Taking the courage to face our past brings new light to life.  It takes the power away from those ghosts and dusts the cobwebs out of our bodies.  The more we know and understand ourselves, the greater our personal power and the higher our awareness.  The more comfortable we are in our own skin and with others – including (eventually) those that created the hurts.

Looking at history is about taking responsibility for ourselves fully as human beings. 

Kevin Rudd (the Australian Prime Minister) finally apologised to the Aboriginal Community for the years of abuse from white men.  We all wept and grieved for their suffering as we listened to those important words.  We all knew that we had to take responsibility – not blame.

To be the change you want to see in your family, life and the world, start with taking personal responsibility for your history.  You will emerge with a strength and freedom that you never thought possible as you begin to know what you thought was unknowable.

Emotional Support for when you are triggered

Any child can be more than testing at times, but these kids can throw you to your wit’s end if you are feeling out of balance and unable to think clearly a lot of the time.  Having a child that is always ready for an argument or stubbornly disobedient or perhaps throwing a tantrum for no visible reason – you can be forgiven for losing it and having a good rant or yell from time to time. 

However these rants and yells affect our children deeply.  Our ability to be present for them – truly present with your whole heart and sensitive to their needs are all factors that make a massive contribution to your child’s potential for success and happiness.  Not only do they have the symptoms of their diagnosis to manage, but then there’s the emotional complications of the parent/child relationship and the inevitable emotional wounds to deal with.
The more in tune with your emotions you are, and the more equipped you are to handle your emotions, the better off your child.

As you manage and move through the feelings, hurts and stories associated with your emotions, you will be less likely to project your negative, neglected emotions onto your child.  We may think that we are clever enough to bury the emotions we find uncomfortable, but in truth they come out in totally uncontrolled ways. 

Some  (of many) dysfunctional ways we cover up emotions are:

• Addictions – alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sex, work, “being busy”
• Saying that we’re not feeling a certain way when all our body language says we are eg. saying you’re not angry yet stomping around the house banging pots or clenching your teeth.
• Offloading our feelings onto a victim that just happens to trigger you at the wrong time eg partner, child, sales assistant, bank, phone company, door to door seller (usually in an uncontrolled, explosive way)
• Withdrawing from social life and family (this may be a sign of depression)

Some of those don’t sound too bad! you might think.  However there are costs to burying your feelings.

1. You can carry a great deal of shame about feelings that you find abhorrent or feel guilty about having, eg a lot of people can feel uncomfortable with stronger emotions such as anger or hate.
2. You are role modelling dysfunctional emotional management to your children.  Monkey see monkey do.  AS children in particular, have to manage strong emotions in their life and find this difficult.  Role modelling and teaching effective and compassionate emotional management may prevent the self harming, extreme withdrawal, depression and suicidal tendencies as they grow older.
3. If you are not communicating effectively with your own emotions then you will not be in a place to recognise and tune into your child’s emotions.  This means that you will be responding to your child from your head not your deeper gut feelings. You will be addressing their needs from an intellectual space that denies their deeper core needs.  If you are not in touch with your own needs, then you can’t possibly be effective in helping anyone else meet more than their basic needs.
4. When your heart is closed to emotions – it is closed to all emotions – not just the sad ones, but the happy ones too.  Whilst you may not want to feel your sadness, grief, anger, hatred, envy and all those seemingly ugly emotions you would rather leave in Pandora’s box, you are also closed to the opposite end of these feelings – the joy, happiness, freedom and peace.  Wouldn’t you like to share these with your child from a positive, authentic space? As you open to the depth of your own potential for these positive feelings, you give your child permission to do the same.

Something that I have found very surprising is that as I work with my emotions and shift them, my son’s life improves.  I can’t honestly explain why that is – it may be a combination of a few things – but this is only a guess:

• The lenses through which I view his life are less fogged by my projections, so I can see, think, act more effectively and pointedly as a mother.
• He is emotionally very sensitive, and I wonder if he picks up on my feelings from time to time.  It is said that we inherit our parent’s unfinished emotional business, so perhaps as I deal with more of it, it takes another burden off him.
• I believe that the emotional work I do has a ripple effect through my whole life.  I have seen it happen many many times.  Working on myself is more effective than trying to change others.  As I work on myself, I change. I grow wiser, more compassionate, more loving, patient and peaceful and as a result my life manifests and reflects the energy I carry inside me.

For avenues for personal growth and emotional management training which is fantastic to teach your children too!

Go to www.holisticsolutions.com.au

The importance of Relaxation

“It is common for individuals with AS to become emotionally vulnerable and easily stressed.  In fact, some argue that persons with AS are under constant or  near-constant stress“. p16 Aspergers Syndrome and Difficult Moments (Brenda Smith Myles and Jack Southwick 2nd ed Autism Asperger Publishing Co. Kansas 2005

As adults in a modern world we tend to take relaxation as a luxury or something we only fully indulge in on holiday.  For these children, relaxation is a survival tool.  Whilst they feel anxious and stressed their otherwise overworked minds can fail them and this can potentially lead to meltdowns, rageful fits and tantrums.

So regular relaxation is essential to return them to their baseline, so that they are refreshed for the next lot of mental and emotional processing required.

Each child is different of course, and it’s best to start experimenting with a variety of methods and then choose what works best. Some things that I have found great are:

• Taking Tim on a drive to the Hot Springs (we have the Peninsula Hot Springs in Rosebud which is about an hour’s drive from where we live).  He LOVES it.  The hot springs contain thermal pools at a variety of temperatures and a cold plunge pool and sauna.  Tim delights in the different temperatures on his skin, and his eyes roll back in his head as he soaks up the soothing minerals.  After a visit to the Hot Springs, the visible effects last 2-3 days. He is happier, more co-operative and more relaxed. I make sure we visit each school holidays.
• When you can’t get to the hot springs consider mineral baths at home.  Tim loves baths in general, and will stay in for hours.  With water restrictions in Melbourne, this is not possible, but he can have a good soak for 30mins to an hour. The problem is he usually forgets to wash because his mind switches off, so I have to make sure I remind him.
• Meditation (see posts related to meditation)
• Energy Balance Massage is a 10 minute massage.  It’s given to the child with clothes on and it is excellent for a quick mood moderator and relaxer, especially before bed.  If Tim is worried about going to school or anxious about something he’s about to go to, an Energy Balance Massage is the FIX IT.  He never says no, The massage itself is very nurturing and soothing, and was develeloped by Chiropractor and Holistic Healer Mark Brown. The complete modality is taught by Alannah Dore. Contact info@holisticsolutions.com.au for training information if you would like to become a fully accredited EBM Practitioner. The 10 min EMB is also learnt as part of the training for the Diploma in Holistic Living Counselling.  Information available at www.holisticsolutions.com.au.  I give Tim this massage on his bed, so you don’t even have to use a massage table, provided that the bed is high enough and you’re not straining your back.
• Listening – I find a great way for Tim to unwind is to let him talk about everything that’s on his mind.  (You’ll be there for a while lol so find a comfy chair). Use the listening skills that are described in the Communication Skills section of this blog and really listen to what is bothering your child.  You’ll find this can be a great way to allow them to offload, wipe the slate clean and refresh.
• Video games and computers.  Many psychologists argue that these kinds of pastimes allow AS kids to relax due to the predictability and uniformity of outcomes when working with a machine.  To an extent I definitely see their point and hence the strong attraction for these kids.  However I have found there is a strong danger of addiction and dependence which can lead to social withdrawal.  Also of concern, is the nature of games played..are they violent? dark in content and themes? are they appropriate for your child’s age group?  What is your child looking at on the internet?  Time to indulge in these hobbies is essential however strong parental control and guidance is highly recommended.  I know on occasions when Tim has been playing video games for 2 hours he becomes extremely irritable and frustrated, yet hungers for more – his mood and demeanour are definitely changed for the worse.  So time limits and close supervision are warranted.

Ensuring that your child engages in some kind of relaxing activity each day will bring great benefits.  Perhaps you could join them and get some much needed relaxation yourself!