Values that build strength

Our children receive so many mixed messages from home, school, the media, their peers..it can be very difficult for any child or teenager to know what to take on and what not to take on – especially when their own sense of self has not yet been established. 

I find that Tim is quite resilient to peer group pressure, however he has many, many questions about moral and ethical issues and I constantly find myself checking in with my own values to make sure I’m giving a clear and consistent message.  The more comfortable you are in your own value system, the more sense you child will be able to make of them and the more likely they are to understand their meaning and logic so that they can quickly adopt or reject them.

So what are your values? We might like to think that we can keep our values to ourselves and let our children decide for themselves, but this is next to impossible.  Whether you verbalise it or not your value system will inevitably be absorbed by your children.  So you might like to get clear on your beliefs which create your values.

Here are some points to consider:

As children reach adolescence they will ask questions about sexuality and homosexuality.  What are your views on this subject?  Does the subject of sexuality make you recoil into the other room in extreme discomfort?  If so, your children will respond to this and sense your shame and discomfort.  So you might like to spend some time reading up on the subject, or if you’re not comfortable discussing it, find a readable, age appropriate book that you can give your child to read, and follow up later with any questions they might have. Don’t rely on school to do this for you..children need to know that their parents are there for any questions that arise.  I’m sure you would rather answer them accurately than leave your child to ask their friends for the answers. If you don’t know the answer, then set about doing some research together.

What are your religious or spiritual beliefs? Do you want your child to follow the same beliefs or are you happy to let them discover their own? If so are you supporting this process with reading material and experiential opportunities such as groups, prayers or meditations?

Many children will express social, political and ethical views from a young age. Do you encourage them to think independently or dismiss their opinion because they are “mere children”? Family discussions are fantastic to challenge the intellect and stimulate thinking. If you struggle with this, try the game “TAOC” The Art of Conversation.  It’s a Set of cards that contain discussion questions and topics.  There is a set for adults and a set for children.  These are also excellent to help children build social skills and learn turn taking and conversation structure.  So highly recommended for our kids! Available at www.taoc.com.au or in Australian bookstores.

I have a set of values that I copied from the John Bradshaw book “Homecoming”.  They are brilliant in my opinion.  I have framed them and have them on display in the house.  You might have a set of rules or boundaries for relating to self and others that means a lot to you..or mabe a poem or piece of writing that sums up what you stand for.

I will list these in brief here, not in full, so for the full set go to the John Bradshaw book.

1. It’s okay to feel what you feel. Feelings are not right or wrong they just are.

2.  It’s okay to want what you want. There’s nothing you should or should not want.

3. It’s okay to see and hear what you see and hear.

4.  It’s okay and necessary to have lots of fun and play. (It’s okay to enjoy sexual play)

5. It’s essential to tell the truth at all times.

6. It’s important to know your limits and delay gratification some of the time.

7. It’s crucial to develop a balanced sense of responsibility. Accepting the consequences for what you do, and refusing to accept the consequences for what someone else does.

8. It’s okay to make mistakes. Mistakes are our teachers – they help us learn.

9. Other people’s feelings, needs and wants are to be respected and valued. Violating them leads to guilt and consequences,

10. It’s okay to have problems.  They need to be resolved.  It’s okay to have conflict. It needs to be resolved.
Redefining and accepting your own values can bring great clarity and peace within.