Monkey see, Monkey Do

I am always trying to encourage my family towards healthy eating, exercise and a balance of rest and play. 

I know for a fact that when I am eating well, exercising and resting adequately, I think more clearly, my mood improves and everything in outer life reflects how good I feel on the inside.

I want that for my son.  I want to at the very least instil natural eating habits that will support him, so that he doesn’t turn to alcohol, smoking or drugs as a mood stabilizer. (Of course we all know that there are many other factors that lead to this – but developing a healthy, respectful relationship with your body at an early age is a great aspect of prevention.)

I have had some success so far.  I can control what goes in the lunchbox and what we eat for dinner (despite some protests from time to time), but that’s really where it ends. (or so I thought..)  All the nagging and lecturing about the benefits of a healthy life just fall on deaf ears most of the time.

Recently, without any deliberate intention, I switched the focus off the family and onto myself. I drank a couple of glasses of wine a few nights in a row over the weekend (I purchased a delicious wine and savoured the bottle immensely!) HOWEVER I payed the price.  Every morning after feeling sluggish, slow and grumpy.  I gave myself the proverbial kick up the backside and took a look at why, where and how this habit was taking shape.

Apart from the obvious of restricting my alcohol intake, I decided after some self examination that it was time to let go of meat.  I have made a few attempts in the past, but the timing hasn’t been right and I didn’t do it properly.  Properly to me feels like:

-with the support of a naturopath

-with a good repertoire of healthy and tasty vegetarian meals already under my belt (to make the transition smoother)

-with strong knowledge about the correct food combinations required

-at a time when I feel really determined and strong (this is now!)

So I decided to do it, and didn’t tell anyone.  I just ommitted meat from the meals and no-one noticed too much.  (I have decided to keep eating fish for now- again to make the transition easier and I will keep offering meat to the family despite the fact that it won’t be in my meal). I started juicing again in the morning and went back to my daily morning walks with the dog.  I added a few very healthy items to the pantry (more fruit and vegetables and wholegrain bread) and off I went.

Well that same afternoon, Tim came home from school saying that he really wanted to be healthier and took himself off for a bike ride. Instead of asking for chocolate, he chose to eat a piece of fruit after school.  My partner saw two loaves of bread in the pantry and reached for the wholegrain instead of the white. (UNHEARD OF!!) As I was preparing Tim’s lunch this morning he came and checked that I was putting enough fruit in his lunch.

What is going on?  I haven’t even told them yet!!

Is this role modelling of a new kind?

It really should come as no shock – monkey see, monkey do.  If you think buying healthy food is too expensive, too much work or that you’re not worth the effort – think again!  Everything you do for yourself you are doing for your family – even if it is indirectly!

Even if your family criticise and jibe you – it will only be a matter of time before they see you looking great, happy and healthy and want some of what you’re having.  Look after yourself and you will be doing everyone around you a huge favour.  Whether or not they follow your lead directly, they will reap the benefits in your improved mood, improved communication and clarity.

Begin today!  Stop lecturing and start doing!

(PS I’m not trying to promote vegetarianism here at all, just giving an example from my own life – take the level of improvement that is relevant for you – it might be as simple as eating more fruit or getting more sleep! Do some research and gather some ideas to try.)

Nature has the answers

As a culture we are trained to seeking artifical solutions to natural problems.  We see curing illness or resolving conflict (external or internal) as a “fight”.  We wage a war against the body and mind, by medicating ourselves with prescription (and non prescription) drugs marketed at “fighting the cold” and allowing us to “soldier on”. 

It angers us when we are forced to slow down our rushed schedules in order to allow our exhausted, strained bodies to catch up with us.  Never mind that we have given our bodies no support for all that we expect of them.  We eat processed foods with limited nutritional value, we drink chemical, sugary, additive laden cocktails instead of pure water, we deprive ourselves of rest and we suppress our uncomfortable emotions with cigarettes, alcohol, food and other addictions.

Sound harsh?  Well this is how much of the culture is treating themselves.  Sounds bizarre doesn’t it? When our natural needs start to surface through fatigue,  illness that is trying to purge toxins built up in the body or numerous other ways, our first reaction is to medicate so we can keep pushing through.  No wonder we have a hospital system bulging at the sides!

If you want good health and good mental health then you must care for your body as a priority.  Your physical body includes your brain.  What you eat and how you treat your body affects your brain’s ability to think and process.  This is ths same with your child. 

So when a problem presents…or even before a problem presents, ask yourself..how am I going at looking after my natural needs?

What natural need is lacking that led to this problem in the first place, and how can I address it on an ongoing basis to prevent the problem returning?

Let’s look at an example with YOU the carer, parent or guardian.  You are feeling run down and exhausted.  You are working full time and caring for your child.  Your partner works long hours and isn’t really pulling their weight around the house, so you are left with the majority of work.  Since you are home more than your partner, you also see the family’s needs more often and more closely, and this adds to your stress levels. You find yourself feeling low in libido, low in energy and low in emotions.  Resentment is building towards your partner and family and you find yourself lashing out at times.

What can be done?

Well the worst case mainstream example (but very common!!!) might be to:

a) Go to the GP and be prescribed anti depressants; a common answer given by GP’s who are unaware of other options.

b) Continue as you are, supplementing low energy levels with sugary snacks and drinks that give a quick high and then leave you feeling low.  Your weight suffers as a result, and your self esteem plummets, adding to your malaise.

c) Continue as you are and keep trying to survive, leading to burnout and further exhaustion and resentment.  Relationships with family members and partner continue to deteriorate to a point beyond repair. Children feel unhappy at home leading to poor school performance and the problems keep compounding.  Things get so hard for you that you feel you have no choice but to place your ASD child on medication in order to cope with day to day life.

So..what are the natural alternatives:

Do one or more of the following to change the road you’re on

1. Visit a reputable dietician, naturopath, herbalist, ayurveda practitioner (whoever you like, it’s your choice) and have your mineral levels checked and your diet analysed.  Start working towards optimising the diet of you and your family to create more energy and less highs and lows.

2. Start seeing a counsellor for some emotional and mental support through this tough time.  Holistic Living Counsellors are trained to help you identify your natural needs and start addressing them.

3.  Start by taking 5 minutes a day (you can’t argue and say you don’t have that) to do something supportive for yourself.  It can be as simple as listening to relaxing music, walking your dog, having a lie down, whatever feels right for you.

4. Look at your priorities. Are you being too hard on yourself?  Are you trying to be “wonder parent?”  What can you change about your weekly schedule that will make life more manageable for you? If your partner can’t help around the house, get a house cleaner.  It will be the best investment you ever make in your sanity.

5.  Start including some things in your week that make YOU happy.  It might be an art class, a belly dancing class, a girls night, something that makes your heart sing and allows you to play.  You need it and the joy will flow through to your family.  Remember youa re a powerful role model for your children.  If they see you enjoying life by doing things that make you happy, then they too will learn that this is an important value to have.

Most importantly give yourself a break.  You are probably doing more than is humanly possible and not looking after yourself well enough.  The consequences long term can be HUGE, so act now and start turning things around so you are supported in being the best carer you can be.  You role model caring for yourself, so care for yourself as you would like your children to learn to care for themselves in the future. Monkey see monkey do!!

Explore your options

Recently we visited the paediatrician about a Tourettes type noise that Tim was making.  The noise comes and goes and was particularly present at the time that I consulted the paediatrician.

I made the appointment and in the mean time did a little research on the internet.  I read somewhere that taking fruit juice out of the diet can help.  So prior to the appointment with the paediatrician, I took Tim off his fruit juices, which he loves and drinks at least 2 large glasses a day.

Taking him off the fruit juices had dramatic results. The noise was reduced to only occasional from pretty much being there all the time.  Alongside the dietary change I also gave Tim the opportunity to do some emotional release work, as I had a gut feeling that the stress underlying the tic was emotional. This worked well too. By then, the appointment with the paediatrician came around. The tic hadn’t fully disappeared so I attended the appointment.  I told her of my success with the fruit juice and she dismissed it, saying that diet is only one factor in the treatment.  I asked her what else could be done in that case to help, and the only alternative she gave me was anti-psychotic medication

Well 2 weeks later, no medication, the tic has pretty much disappeared.  I suppose the paediatrician would call that a coincidence, but if I had’ve listened to her advice, my son would now be on medication.

The treatment I gave Tim took 5 minutes to research and 15 minutes of my time sitting with him and using some tools to help him express his feelings.  You can learn these tools in the Holistic Parenting course advertised on this website. So little effort to avoid medicating him, and in the end I learnt something valuable about fruit juice in his diet.

I explained to Tim why I was removing the fruit juice from his diet and he agreed to do it as the tic was really bothering him.

It is definitely worth exploring your natural options BEFORE medicating. DO NOT be daunted by professional opinions and do not hold their opinions in greater esteem that your own gut feeling as a parent.  As always common sense prevails and you must never place your child in any danger by denying them urgent medical treatment, but in cases like this it is worth being creative and listening to yourself.

Managing Anger

You might think this article is going to be about managing children’s anger.  Instead as a follow up to my post about teachers unleashing their frustration on children in the classroom, I thought it just to look at parents and their anger, and how both can best go about dealing with the inevitable frustrations in life effectively.

There is a popular notion (even in some anger management classes) that anger is something that should be kept in check at all costs and that be controlling it, it somehow disappears into the ether.  I’m sure that your own experience could tell you this is completely untrue.

Disowned anger finds dysfunctional and dangerous pockets of our life in which to rest and wreak havoc. 

1. It can affect our health by building stress in the body.  One example is that according to Eastern medicine, liver is the seat of anger. So liver dysfunctions can indicate that anger may be present.

2. It can come out in ways that are damaging to yourself and others.  We can lash out or explode at people close to us, or even people who trigger your anger in a way that’s diproportionate to their wrongdoing, eg shop assistant, someone who cuts you off while driving or the innocent doorknocker.

3. Anger can come out in negative behaviour such as gossiping, talk that is negative of others, humour at the expense of others, sarcasm, criticism and defensiveness.

4. Anger can be present when a person is excessively manipulating of others through their behaviour, is depressed, partakes in addictive behaviours or is demanding of others.

These can be signs that anger may be present and needs attention.

So what can you do with your anger? The first thing which the anger management classes teach is to learn how to hold onto it so that it doesn’t hurt others.  Meditation, relaxation, music, deep breathing, counting to 10, walking away, going outside for air are a few examples of the things we can practise doing to help stop ourselves from destroying relationships.

But it doesn’t stop there.  We then need to make a time away from the person who hurt us, or situation that upset us and work on releasing the emotions that are involved.  Anger can mask many other emotions such as; anger, sadness, hurt, betrayal, pain, grief and many more vulnerable emotions.  Here are some things you can do when you are by yourself and will not be disturbed:

1. Stamp your feet, punch pillows, turn up the stereo and scream.

2. Write “emotional release” letters to the person/people/organisation that hurt you and then destroy them. (Do not send these letters, but allow yourself to be completely honest in them – it is up to you to make sure they are destroyed and that no-one reads them. They are for healing purposes only.)

3. Make an appointment with a Holistic Living Counsellor for some anger work.

4. Go for a run or dance; do something very physical that helps transform your energy and emotions.

Then  reward yourself with a treat – a nurturing bath, massage, something fun for your hard work.

Along the way you may find that you become aware of an issue or cause that you feel passionate about.  It might be about setting the right boundaries so that this situation does not happen again, it may be a passion about children’s rights or the environment. 

If this is a burning issue for you then find a way to get “hands on” about the issue, join a group, write a letter to the newspaper, start a support group, enrol in that course you’ve been wanting to do…and start channelling your anger energy into passion.  This is true, passionate living.  Remember the cause may start with YOU and your needs!

Be a true role model for your child/ren.

Helping with Sleep

Most children with Asperger’s Syndrome suffer from difficulty getting to sleep.  My son finds he is often wide awake and clear as a bell at 10pm, and ready to talk about his day in detail.  I have found that gentle persuasion and some holistic techniques really help him with getting to sleep.  After all, his body is tired, it’s his brain that is finding it difficult to wind down.  It’s vital not to get angry at your child and think that they are being naughty by staying up late.  It’s well documented that children with AS have difficulty winding down.  Here are some things that have worked for us and may work for you.  As for which one to choose, ask your child which one they would like?

-Gentle Relaxing Massage (clothes on for warmth) for those who enjoy massage.  It’s worth experimenting and developing a technique that your child finds relaxing.

- Guided Meditation. Buy a book or cd, or make up your own.

- Head stroking and soothing words.

- Definitely no video games 2 hours before bed.

- A bath just before bed with soothing essential oils in the bath and soft lighting in the room.

- Foot massage

- Soaking feet in salted hot water (have the water as hot as the child can manage)

- Stretching or yoga

- Conversation that validates the child’s concerns so that they can put their worries behind them.  EG using worry dolls. Make sure the conversation closes on a positive note.  If the child wants to raise contentious issues, state calmly that these might be best handled tomorrow.  Make a commitment to a time when the issue will be discussed and follow through.

- Head massage is particularly soothing and great to relax the mind.

Now you might be thinking..hey! howcome I don’t get this sort of help going to sleep?  If I put all this effort in, they’ll expect it all the time!!  There are two points to make here:

1. Yes you’re right – you deserve this too!!! So why don’t you make sure you get it!! As a carer you need this kind of nurturing more than anyone, so make sure you give it to yourself so you don’t burn out and so you are in a better position to give.

2. These children have their parents as the people who understand them most and empathise with their struggles; the rest of the world and people are foreign and often perceived as very unfriendly.  Be their ally and friend and they will reward you tenfold by really taking flight.  When a child feels well supported, nurtured and loved they can truly live their best potential!!!  They deserve this and so do you!! You don’t have to do his every night…just when you can!

The joys and curses of being “mum”

This post is written from the perspective of a mum about being a mum, but flip it over and it could apply to being a dad, so don’t tune out just yet guys. 

I love being Tim’s mum and wouldn’t be doing anything other than this, but we can all feel frustrated and down on ourselves when we can’t be all we want to be for our children.  I know that much of my frustration has to do with the way I was parented.  In my case this pertains primarily to my relationship with my mother, though for dads it could be their fathers.  Working on my unresolved issues with my mother has a direct effect on my ability to parent my son.

Let’s widen the lense a little further.  Everything in my life has an affect on me and my emotional state, so everything in my life has an effect on my ability to be truly present to my parenting role.  Clearly, we can’t control all these externals, so what’s the point of worrying about it you might say?  Well if I didn’t pay any attention to the factors that influence my ability to parent, then nothing would change.  My good intentions would amount to little other than continuing the good and bad patterns of the past.  If nothing changes, then how can I meet any of my goals?  My goals relate to happiness, peace and joy in my life; these are very personal goals.  But in order to achieve my goals, I need to examine my life, my actions, my thoughts and feelings. If I don’t have these things in my life now, then changing nothing will guarantee that things stay the same.

As Socrates says “a life unexamined is a life not worth living.“ 

So let’s start with the simple things:

• What is your diet like?  Are you getting plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables?  Have you been tested for food allergies and intolerances that could be affecting your emotional state?  We are what we eat, and this includes our feelings, thoughts and beliefs?  You wnat quality output? Start looking at the input.  Choose one thing that you would like to change about your diet to help you feel better and make that change TODAY.
• How is your sleep?  Are you able to take a break and rest? If you are not sleeping well have you looked at all the factors that contribute to poor sleep?  Emotional unrest often causes lack of sleep. Perhaps it’s time to book in to see a trusted counsellor and face some of those uncomfortable areas of your life that are seething under the surface.  Perhaps there’s unrest in your relationship and this too needs to be addressed.  Get the help you need to overcome this.  See asking for help as a sign of strength and courage rather than weakness. Seek services that offer respite if you have too little time to rest.
• Are you engaging in some kind of physical activity? It doesn’t have to be a fully charged fitness routine.  You could be doing something you enjoy like walking, bikeriding, gardening etc, as long as you are moving your body and getting yourself outdoors.  Don’t have the time?  Ask for the help you need in order to make the time.  You will feel vastly different as a result.
• Do you take some time in your day to connect to the BIG you?  By this I mean the expansive, spiritual you that is not defined by your physical body and the roles you play in life.  You might do this through meditation or prayer, or spending time in nature, in any manner that works for you and with any philosophy that you choose.  Enjoying a spiritual connection of some kind is vital to who we are and an important ingredient for happiness. 
• Examine your relationship with your own parents.  What are the hurts and wrongs you still harbour?  Write letters to the people in your life that hurt you and DO NOT send these letters.  They are for your personal validation and emotional release only. Do this in a private space and time where you will not be disturbed so that you will be free to feel the emotions that go with this process.  Keep writing as many letters as you need to and allow the emotions trapped deep in your body to be set free.  Then plan something lovely and nurturing to do when you are finished, so that you replace what you have released with a positive feeling. Remember that going to our parents with these old issues can potentially be very damaging to your relationship with them and invalidating for you when they negate what you deeply feel.  We all have our perceptions and each is true for us.  There is usually not much gained by confronting our parents with the past, instead, focus on the state of the relationship now.  Is there anything you feel you would like to do right now to improve the relationship, or perhaps you’re happy with where it is for now.

As you do for yourself you do for your son or daughter.  It is so frustrating to see people bend over backwards for their children, sacrificing their own health and wellbeing.  We think we are doing the right thing, yet often all we are teaching our children is how to get sick. These are habits they learn from us and take into their own life.  To be the best parent you can be – be a great role model for self care, love and health. 

Useful links

To learn how to live well and take care of yourself go to http://www.holisticsolutions.com.au and look at the Live Well program.

To address inner child and family of origin issues look at http://www.holisticsolutions.com.au/workshops.html

For counselling to address your relationships go to http://www.holisticstudies.com.au/therapies.html

Revisiting the Past to Change the Future – Inner Child work

“Feelings don’t go away, they come up again on another day in another way” Alannah Dore

My son asked me recently why we study history.  He just couldn’t see the point of it at all.  He asked his teacher and she replied..”We learn about history so that we can learn from our mistakes”.  I can’t blame him for feeling uninspired by that response.  Who wants to look at their mistakes??

I asked a few people for their opinion as I wasn’t sure how to answer my son on this one. I have my own reservations about the patriarchal backdrop against which many history texts were written and indeed how it is taught nowadays. However, I said to him, that when we revisit the past we can look at what we did well and what we did not so well and look at the results of those choices.  This way we can make better choices in the future.  Looking at history is also about acknowledging what was done to us – and healing these hurts by empathising with our ancestors.  After all we carry their genes, their cellular memory, their unhealed hurts.  What happened to them, happened to us too.

So what about our personal history?  Are we to leave the story of our lives to someone else to write?  How can they possibly tell our story?  They could never know how we perceived people, events, relationships in our lives.  Human beings are so complex.  We have the right to have our version of events validated and heard.  We may need to acknowledge our triumphs and grieve our losses. 

Why would I do that?  Why would I go back into the deep dark, forgotten past and dig up old memories that I no longer think about?

Because like it or not those memories are a part of you.  You can no more deny the events that took place than you can history.  It happened.  Some of it felt good and some of it not so good.  Denial takes us nowhere except ignorance.

Infact the more we suppress or deny, the stronger the hold of that unfelt and unexpressed emotion.  The more confusing our lives become as we find ourselves overreacting to events that trigger that emotion.  Running away from the past is an illusion.  One that keeps us trapped and scared.

Taking the courage to face our past brings new light to life.  It takes the power away from those ghosts and dusts the cobwebs out of our bodies.  The more we know and understand ourselves, the greater our personal power and the higher our awareness.  The more comfortable we are in our own skin and with others – including (eventually) those that created the hurts.

Looking at history is about taking responsibility for ourselves fully as human beings. 

Kevin Rudd (the Australian Prime Minister) finally apologised to the Aboriginal Community for the years of abuse from white men.  We all wept and grieved for their suffering as we listened to those important words.  We all knew that we had to take responsibility – not blame.

To be the change you want to see in your family, life and the world, start with taking personal responsibility for your history.  You will emerge with a strength and freedom that you never thought possible as you begin to know what you thought was unknowable.

Emotional Support for when you are triggered

Any child can be more than testing at times, but these kids can throw you to your wit’s end if you are feeling out of balance and unable to think clearly a lot of the time.  Having a child that is always ready for an argument or stubbornly disobedient or perhaps throwing a tantrum for no visible reason – you can be forgiven for losing it and having a good rant or yell from time to time. 

However these rants and yells affect our children deeply.  Our ability to be present for them – truly present with your whole heart and sensitive to their needs are all factors that make a massive contribution to your child’s potential for success and happiness.  Not only do they have the symptoms of their diagnosis to manage, but then there’s the emotional complications of the parent/child relationship and the inevitable emotional wounds to deal with.
The more in tune with your emotions you are, and the more equipped you are to handle your emotions, the better off your child.

As you manage and move through the feelings, hurts and stories associated with your emotions, you will be less likely to project your negative, neglected emotions onto your child.  We may think that we are clever enough to bury the emotions we find uncomfortable, but in truth they come out in totally uncontrolled ways. 

Some  (of many) dysfunctional ways we cover up emotions are:

• Addictions – alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sex, work, “being busy”
• Saying that we’re not feeling a certain way when all our body language says we are eg. saying you’re not angry yet stomping around the house banging pots or clenching your teeth.
• Offloading our feelings onto a victim that just happens to trigger you at the wrong time eg partner, child, sales assistant, bank, phone company, door to door seller (usually in an uncontrolled, explosive way)
• Withdrawing from social life and family (this may be a sign of depression)

Some of those don’t sound too bad! you might think.  However there are costs to burying your feelings.

1. You can carry a great deal of shame about feelings that you find abhorrent or feel guilty about having, eg a lot of people can feel uncomfortable with stronger emotions such as anger or hate.
2. You are role modelling dysfunctional emotional management to your children.  Monkey see monkey do.  AS children in particular, have to manage strong emotions in their life and find this difficult.  Role modelling and teaching effective and compassionate emotional management may prevent the self harming, extreme withdrawal, depression and suicidal tendencies as they grow older.
3. If you are not communicating effectively with your own emotions then you will not be in a place to recognise and tune into your child’s emotions.  This means that you will be responding to your child from your head not your deeper gut feelings. You will be addressing their needs from an intellectual space that denies their deeper core needs.  If you are not in touch with your own needs, then you can’t possibly be effective in helping anyone else meet more than their basic needs.
4. When your heart is closed to emotions – it is closed to all emotions – not just the sad ones, but the happy ones too.  Whilst you may not want to feel your sadness, grief, anger, hatred, envy and all those seemingly ugly emotions you would rather leave in Pandora’s box, you are also closed to the opposite end of these feelings – the joy, happiness, freedom and peace.  Wouldn’t you like to share these with your child from a positive, authentic space? As you open to the depth of your own potential for these positive feelings, you give your child permission to do the same.

Something that I have found very surprising is that as I work with my emotions and shift them, my son’s life improves.  I can’t honestly explain why that is – it may be a combination of a few things – but this is only a guess:

• The lenses through which I view his life are less fogged by my projections, so I can see, think, act more effectively and pointedly as a mother.
• He is emotionally very sensitive, and I wonder if he picks up on my feelings from time to time.  It is said that we inherit our parent’s unfinished emotional business, so perhaps as I deal with more of it, it takes another burden off him.
• I believe that the emotional work I do has a ripple effect through my whole life.  I have seen it happen many many times.  Working on myself is more effective than trying to change others.  As I work on myself, I change. I grow wiser, more compassionate, more loving, patient and peaceful and as a result my life manifests and reflects the energy I carry inside me.

For avenues for personal growth and emotional management training which is fantastic to teach your children too!

Go to www.holisticsolutions.com.au